


Makes Me Want to Lose Myself

by ticklishblaine (lightsandsparks)



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Biphobia, Bondage, CCBB 2016, CrissColfer Big Bang, Dom/sub, M/M, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Spanking, sex with strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 07:32:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8363302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsandsparks/pseuds/ticklishblaine
Summary: With an on-screen boyfriend that’s as gorgeous, talented, and incredibly charming as Chris Colfer, Darren finds it increasingly difficult to keep himself from falling in love. What’s even more challenging is keeping this fact out of the public eye, especially when a mutual revelation prompts the two of them to agree to enter an official Dom/sub relationship with each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A million thanks to: My incredible best friend and beta Sarah, who not only gave me the idea for this fic in the first place, but never stopped encouraging me to continue writing it along the way. Lindsey, orchestrator of the CCBB, and Mav, my faithful and multitalented artist.

“Darren? What are you doing here so early?”

They’re only filming Darren’s third episode, but he and Chris have become fast friends. They began bonding the moment they met. It was inevitable; the amount of common interests they share paired with the length of time they’re required to spend on set with each other would drive anyone into an immediate, undetachable friendship, right? 

“What’s wrong?” Chris asks, noticing that something is off when Darren doesn’t immediately respond.

“A lot,” he huffs, plopping down onto Chris’s leather couch. “Do you have a few minutes?”

“Of course,” Chris answers with a raised brow, before tentatively sitting down next to Darren. “Shoot.”

Darren sighs. “I just…” He hesitates, taking a deep breath. “Do you ever feel… out of control?”

Chris tilts his head quizzically. “What do you mean? How so?”

“I just... I feel like I don’t have a lot of say in some of the decisions being made for me on set.” Darren stops, replaying what he just said and realizing how douchey he sounds. “Don’t get me wrong! I am so fucking grateful to even be sitting here with you, man. I don’t deserve to be on this show at all and I’m just someone that got lucky and it’s silly of me to feel this way and I get that-”

“Darren,” Chris cuts him off. “Stop, I get it. Everyone here feels that way sometimes. It kind of comes with the territory of being on this show, honestly.”

This catches Darren off guard. “Really?”

“Of course,” Chris placates, his tone going soft. “The trick is to speak up. If you’re not happy with something, you need to let them know.” Chris raises his hands to make an air-quote motion. “ _The Powers That Be_ might change it for you, and they might not. But I think you’ll feel better in the long run if say something instead of just keeping quiet.”

The thought of taking this advice makes anxiety twist in Darren’s gut. The last thing he’d ever want to do is overstep his boundaries. _Glee_ is turning out to be his first big break, and he wouldn’t want to screw that up just because it’s getting hard to wash out all the gel in his hair at the end of the day. While he trusts Chris with a lot, Darren has a feeling that some rules may really only apply to cast members with seniority.

“Chris, no offense, but that’s kinda easy for you to say. Ryan fucking loves you - he wrote a character just for you for god’s sake!” Darren shakes his head. “Pretty sure I’d get fired on spot if I pulled some kind of shit like that.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Chris laughs, rolling his eyes. “Darren, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everyone absolutely adores you. You saw how well Teenage Dream is selling. You’re a money-maker, and Ryan isn’t going to let you go that easily.”

Logically, Darren thinks Chris might have a point. However, he knows in his heart that just because a song he sang is making some money, that doesn’t mean he can walk around set making demands and acting like he owns the place. “Thank Chris, but I think it’s better to just keep my mouth shut for now. I appreciate the advice, but really I just needed someone to vent to.”

Surprisingly, Chris doesn’t argue. He just smiles softly and gives Darren a small nod. “Okay. Well, if you ever need to vent again, I’ll be here. Promise.”

Darren can’t ignore the fluttery satisfaction that comes with such a comforting reassurance. “Thanks, dude. I feel better already,” Darren tells him honestly as he stands. “I gotta get going though. I’m late for hair and makeup and they’re probably already getting pissed.”

“Alright,” Chris agrees, getting up and walking ahead of Darren as he makes his way to the door. Chris stops and turns when he reaches the exit. “Listen, Darren. If you ever feel like someone is taking advantage of the fact that you’re new here, you come to me, okay? I’m not bragging, but you weren’t wrong when you said that Ryan kind of loves me. Nobody is going to screw with you while I’m around, got it?”

Darren is momentarily shocked by the sudden, visceral response his body has to Chris’s words. He’s frozen on spot, shivers running up and down his spine. In that moment, Darren feels safer and more secure than he has in a long time.

He wants to respond, to say something - _anything_ \- but he can’t. All Darren can do is look at Chris, tilting his chin upward ever-so-slightly to look into his eyes. He hasn’t noticed until now that Chris is just a bit taller than him...

Darren almost forgets that Chris was waiting for a response. “Thanks man, I’ll remember that.”

Without another word, Chris holds open the door and places a guiding hand on Darren’s lower back as he ushers Darren out of his trailer. Darren stumbles out in a daze, flabbergasted by what just happened. 

Whatever it was.

\--

Darren has the rest of the week off from filming. His part in the episode they’re working on now is small, and his scenes didn’t take long to film. Although Darren is sad that he won’t get to see Chris and the Warblers for a few days, he’s also excited because the time off gives him the chance to squeeze in a gig.

Performing is in Darren’s blood. At the end of the day, he’d leave his entire acting career behind if he had to chose between it and the stage. There just isn’t anything else like it; the adrenaline rush, the applause from a crowd. It’s like a drug that he’s addicted to, and he needs his fix after several months of abstinence.

The venue is more crowded than any of his shows have ever been before. Darren has been trying to stay humble about the fact that his fame is starting to grow, but he isn’t blind. He can’t go anywhere in public anymore without someone recognizing him. He’s constantly being asking for a picture or an autograph; people are following him places and calling him ‘Blaine’ instead of his actual name. It’s overwhelming sometimes, but he loves every second of it. 

After the show, the applause is twice as loud as it’s ever been and Darren finds himself beaming until his cheeks hurt. He leaves for the green room that night in a daze, carefree and floaty.

He gets a text from Chris about an hour later when he’s on his way home. “Saw the video of your performance tonight! You did such a good job!” 

Darren practically melts into the car seat, cheeks burning and stomach fluttering with a million butterflies. He isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to communicate to Chris how much that text meant to him, how his approval is more valuable to him than five football stadiums worth of crowds cheering for him.

In fact, he isn’t even really sure he can explain it to himself _._

\--

Four painfully long days later, Darren finally gets to see Chris.

He’d caved on Saturday, texting Chris and practically begging him to come over and hang out. Unfortunately, Chris had to make a trip back to Clovis for the weekend and didn’t get home until late Sunday night. 

The lack of Chris’s presence has made Darren feel itchy and vaguely unsettled. He can’t believe how much he’s missed Chris. Darren is used to seeing him every day during the week, and at least once or twice over the weekend. 

The first thing Darren does when he gets to work on Monday is pay his friend a visit, even though he knows he’ll get in trouble for being late to hair and makeup yet again.

The door is unlocked so Darren walks right in to Chris’s trailer, where he finds Chris curled up on the couch in his glasses. He’s bent over his laptop, brow ruffled adorably in concentration.

“Chris?” Darren tries when it becomes obvious Chris hadn’t even noticed him walking in.

Chris startles, looking up with a mixture of surprise and annoyance. His features immediately soften when he sees Darren, however. “Geeze Dare, don’t do that! You just gave me five heart palpitations.”

“Sorry,” Darren apologizes. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The side of Chris’s mouth twitches up in a half-smile. “Totally fine.” He pats a spot on the couch next to him. “Have a seat.”

Darren scrambles to do just that, relief flooding his body when he realizes his presence isn’t unwanted. 

Chris doesn’t attempt to make conversation, just goes back to tapping away on his laptop. Whatever it is he’s writing, he’s deeply engrossed in it, and Darren is starting to feel like he’s intruding on Chris’s private time. Darren is about to suggest that he come back later, but he’s interrupted by Chris’s growling stomach as it breaks the silence of the room.

Chris looks up and blushes momentarily before he starts cackling, Darren following suit since Chris’s laughter is adorably contagious. They both giggle helplessly for a few minutes before catching their breaths. “Guess you’re hungry, huh?” Darren asks.

“Yeah,” Chris admits, shaking his head. “I have a deadline coming up. I was at home all weekend and barely worked on the book at all, but I’m definitely paying the price for that now. No time for food when the muse is on a roll.”

“Say no more,” Darren chirps, quickly standing up. “You stay there and do your work. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Chris looks confused, but thankfully doesn’t argue. “Alright, if you say so.”

Darren practically skips out of the trailer, looking forward to being able to do something more concrete to help Chris. He flits around craft services as fast as he possibly can, proudly making his way back to Chris in record time.

“Here!” Darren exclaims when Chris opens the door for him. He hands Chris a breakfast sandwich, a cold Diet Coke and a cup of ice. “This should work. I mean, it’s not exactly brain-food per say, but I’m always more productive when I have something delicious in my stomach. _Especially_ when it’s growling at me.”

Chris gapes for a moment before he smiles that cute smile of his, the one where his eyes get tiny and he shows all of his teeth. “Thank you, Dare! You didn’t have to do this.”

Darren’s stomach flips, and he grins right back. “I wanted to.”

Chris settles the items on a table near his couch before turning around and wrapping Darren in a quick hug. “I’ll have to remember to put you in the dedications for this book. Anyone who brings me Diet Coke without being asked first deserves some kind of special recognition.”

Darren curses the fact that he’s blushing again and bows his head a bit. “Anytime, Chris. Really.”

Chris is tearing off the foil of his sandwich, looking like he’s about to inhale it. Darren simply watches. He’s still standing a bit awkwardly in the middle of the trailer, but is certainly content to just observe Chris and enjoy how appreciative he seems. 

As if on queue, Chris looks up right before he’s about to take a bite. “Okay, first of all, sit,” he tells Darren, amusement clear in his voice. Darren does.

“Second of all,” Chris continues. “Have you eaten yet today?”

Oh, shit. “Uh, nope.” He’s suddenly aware of the empty pit in his stomach. He hadn’t even thought to get himself something to eat, too focused on trying to help Chris. “Guess I forgot again.”

Chris raises an eyebrow and looks at Darren sternly. “Does that happen a lot?”

Darren shrugs. “No, not a lot. I’m just a busy guy.”

Chris looks like he’s about to say something, but keeps quiet. Instead, he spreads out his wrapper on the couch between them, breaks his sandwich in half, and places it on the foil before sliding it over to Darren. “This is for you. I want you to eat all of it, okay? You can’t go around forgetting to eat.” 

Darren doesn’t even hesitate, just picks up the food and starts eating as soon as Chris is finished speaking.

He can’t explain it, but doing so makes him feel as if something has just slotted into place. All he’s doing is eating a fucking sandwich, but still. He’s eating it because Chris told him to, and it just feels _right_. 


	2. Chapter 2

It’s past 4pm when Darren finally gets a chance to pay a visit to Chris’s trailer again. Oh sure, they’ve seen each other a lot today. They had dance rehearsals and filmed a quick scene with minimal redos, but Darren wants to see _Chris_ , not Kurt. Not that Kurt isn’t great of course, because he totally is. But Kurt isn’t the one that Darren has a crush on.

Yeah, that’s right. Darren has finally decided that he needs to admit it to himself. He has a crush on Chris, okay? He’s tried to deny it - truly, he has. Falling for your on-screen love interest is just about as unprofessional as it gets. But Darren can’t help the way he feels, and what he feels is definitely something that is no longer strictly platonic affection, but something much more.

In fact, his non-platonic affection is starting to get pretty intense and he knows it’s going to be hard to hide from Chris. The man is observant as fuck. Even with that knowledge in mind however, Darren’s yearning to be around him isn’t quelled in the least. 

Besides, what’s life without a little risk?

When he opens the door of Chris’s trailer, Chris is almost in the exact same position as he was when Darren had left him this morning. Which is weird, because he knows for a fact Chris left the trailer to film their scenes together. What peaks Darren’s concern is the the fact that he still looks frustrated, if not even more frustrated than before.

“Everything okay?” Darren asks once Chris mumbles for him to have a seat on the couch. 

“Not sure,” Chris answers after a few moments. “I’m really having a lot of trouble with this chapter.”

Darren sighs, emphasizing with Chris’s frustration. He knows how tough writing can be. While he may not be a novelist like Chris, he’s slaved over his fair share of songs with words that just weren’t fitting together in the perfect way that he needed them to. “Is there anything I can do?” he tries.

Chris shrugs, leaning back against the couch. “I don’t know. I mean- I just can’t get the wording of these few paragraphs right for some reason.” Chris turns his laptop so Darren can get a better look. “They just aren't flowing very well, I guess.”

Darren crawls a little closer and reads over what Chris has written. He sees what Chris is talking about, and he might just know the solution as well. “Can I mess with it a little?” Darren asks tentatively. “I mean, I know writing is super personal for you and if you hate what I do you can totally control-Z it all you want, I wouldn’t blame you. But I think I might be able to help?”

Chris nods, looking a bit resigned. “I don’t have much to lose at this point anyway. I’m just gonna hit the bathroom real quick. Do whatever you want with it.”

Darren feels a bit shocked at the obvious amount of trust Chris has just placed in him. Most people wouldn’t willingly hand over their laptops like that, especially not with instructions to “do whatever you want” while their vulnerable 65k manuscript is open. Chris must be more fatigued than Darren had initially realized.

Nevertheless, he tweaks the paragraphs that Chris had pointed out to him, resisting the temptation to use some of the longer words he has stored in his vocabulary. This is a children’s book after all, and the target audience probably wouldn’t fair well with words like “obsequious”. By the time Chris gets back from the bathroom, Darren has almost completely rewritten Chris said was giving him trouble. He can only hope that Chris is in agreement that it's an improvement.

There’s a nervous clench in Darren’s stomach when he hands the laptop back to Chris, body aching for confirmation of his approval.

Chris takes a few minutes to read it over, Darren fidgeting nervously the entire time. He needn’t have worried though, because Chris suddenly turns to him, beaming. “Darren!” He exclaims, holding up his hand out for a high five, which Darren quickly obliges. “Shit, I didn’t know you could write! This is incredible. You did such a good job!”

There they are again, those words that wrap Darren up like a tight and fuzzy security blanket. His whole body goes warm and relaxed and he finds himself staring at Chris, begging with his eyes for him to continue. 

Either Chris gets the hint or it’s just a coincidence, but he goes on to tell Darren that of course he can write, that this must be simple in comparison to the incredible songs he’s written. Pride like Darren has never felt before fills up his entire body. He covers his face with his hands to hide the fact that he’s smiling like an idiot. He has no idea what’s going on. No one else has ever elicited this type of response in him.

It takes longer than it should for Darren to realize he needs to respond to Chris in some way. “Hey, anytime!” he squeaks. He’s relieved to see that Chris apparently hasn’t noticed how weird he’s being at the moment.

“I’m gonna hold you to that. You should be my official editor from now on,” Chris tells him teasingly. “Well. Not my official editor. That’s what my publisher is for, but you know what I mean.”

Darren stares at his lap, playing with one of his rope bracelets. “Yeah,” he whispers absentmindedly. “I do.”

\--

The script where Kurt and Blaine get together is finally released.

Darren is mostly relieved at first. He and Chris were getting sick of the constant questioning from fans and the media, especially since it’s not like either of them had any kind of inside scoop. Darren always jokes that the fans know more about what’s happening than he does, but he jokes because it’s actually the truth.

Darren races over to the wardrobe trailer the minutes he finishes the script. Chris is there being fitted for a Kurt costume, but Darren is too excited about what he’s just read to wait.

“I know, I know. I saw,” Chris laughs as Darren bounds through the door. “It’s about time, really. I thought I was going to have to spend an entire summer dodging questions from the press about this _will they won’t they_ thing.”

“Well, you’re still going to have to dodge questions,” Darren says with a smirk. “You know everyone is going to want to know if I’m a good kisser now, right?”

Chris rolls his eyes. “Who said I’ll have to dodge those questions?”

Giddiness sweeps into Darren’s belly and he feels his eyes scrunch up in a grin. “Right, because you totally won’t be able to stop yourself from blurting out how great I am, right?”

Chris moves to walk past Darren, but not before lightly patting his shoulder and looking into his eyes deviously. “We’ll see.”

Darren’s left standing alone in the middle of the wardrobe trailer, his knees turned to jelly and threatening to give out on him any minute.

But fuck, he is _so_ excited.

\--

Darren wishes he could say that the kiss was clinical and boring. He wishes he could pretend that having Chris cup his jaw and push his face into his own had no effect on him. He wishes he could believe what he’ll later tell the press about being completely in character in that moment, that every kiss out of their hundreds of takes meant nothing more to him than wanting to portray a young and vulnerable gay teen relationship.

But then he’d be lying. And Darren really, really, hates lying.

So truth be told, the kiss is special. Granted, Darren is playing a character at the time, and he does want to get things right in that sense. He wants to portray everything he thinks Blaine might be feeling in that moment; the nerves, the trepidation, the excitement of something new. 

But Darren likes Chris. He just _does_ , and the human side of him can’t help but be affected by finally getting to kiss him. It stirs something big inside of him, something heavy. 

Darren just prays that he’s not falling in love.

After filming the kiss, Darren is pleased to find that he and Chris pick up right where they left off. There’s no awkwardness, no palpable shift. Chris still visits Darren’s place every so often for a few drinks after work, and Darren still spends the majority of his weekends at Chris’s house. Their relationship is easy; they’re still really good friends, and even though Darren can’t deny his mounting feelings, he’s glad that nothing seems to be getting ruined between them.

Still, they’re both busy people. Especially now. With the kiss having aired, everyone seems to want a piece of them. Darren’s at least pleased to find that he wasn’t wrong about interviewers constantly asking him what it was like to kiss Chris. He just hopes he’s not being too obvious about the fact that he can’t wipe the stupid grin off his face when he answers.

In addition to the Kurt/Blaine phenomenon taking off, the Warblers are as popular as they’ve ever been, their album ready to be released in a few weeks. This means more interviews than ever for Darren, not to mention galas and screenings and events to attend. In between all of this, they’re still filming Glee and preparing for a world tour in the summer. He’s exhausted, but all of that would take its toll on anyone, okay?

Darren isn’t surprised when Chris is the first one to call him out on it.

He’s been feeling run down for over a week, but it all comes to a head on a Tuesday in early April. Exhaustion like he’s never felt before is completely overwhelming him, and he hasn’t been able to shake it for days. They’re about to start filming their prom episode and Darren should be at the top of his game, but instead he feels like he’s drowning.

Dragging himself out of bed had felt damn near impossible. He hasn’t been sleeping well lately - or at all, really. He thinks he got maybe two hours of sleep last night? Three? He just doesn’t have time to rest anymore. Darren’s always on the move; he absolutely loves his job and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but unfortunately he is just one human, and his body can only handle so much.

Darren feels like his trailer is about five miles away from his car. His joints ache and his muscles are stiff. On top of it all, he’s getting sick and his throat is sore. He thanks every deity he can think of that he’s already recorded his songs for the episode they’re filming.

“Are you alright?” Chris asks him, obviously concerned. “You look like shit.”

Darren can’t even muster an annoyed glare Chris’s blunt question. “I’m fine, just a little tired today.” Chris raises an eyebrow, taking a step closer to Darren. “You look more than a little tired, Dare. When was the last time you even slept?”

Darren takes a moment to look affronted. “Last night!” 

“Okay, but for how long?”

“...a few hours? Three, maybe?”

Chris sighs. “How much do you have to film today?”

“Just a couple scenes, why?”

“When you’re done, come find me. Right away, got it?”

Well, Darren could never say no to that. “Okay, Chris.”

Somehow, Darren survives the day. He really didn’t have much to do, just a few retakes and background scenes here and there. The heavy stuff doesn’t start until next week. They’ve all been warned that filming prom is going to be brutal and that they need to prepare. Even just thinking about it is making Darren want to fall asleep where he’s standing. It wouldn’t be the first time.

He texts Chris from his trailer when he’s ready to leave. 

_“I’m done filming for the day.”_

_“Good, me too. Pack up your things and meet me at your car.”_

Darren feels the familiar shivers run up and down his spine. That wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order, and Darren feels instinctively compelled to follow it.

When he finally makes it to his car, Chris is standing by the passenger’s side door, waiting for him. “Here’s the deal,” Chris tells him immediately, standing up straight and looking sternly into Darren’s eyes. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself. You’re exhausted, and I can’t just stand by idly and watch it anymore.” Darren feels the need to argue, but his lips are glued shut. The only thing he can bring himself to do is look up at Chris and nod.

“We’re going to go back to your place. You’re going to take a nice long shower while I cook you some dinner. You’re going to eat it all, and then you’re going to nap for a long, long time. Got it?”

Darren simply nods his head yet again, not even wanting to argue this time. He does have somewhere he said he’d be after work but it’s nothing he can’t reschedule and honestly, Chris’s plan sounds much more appealing. 

Chris smiles, seeming satisfied. “Good.” He steps aside and opens the car door for Darren. “Get in, I’m driving.”

So Darren does. He gets in the car and lets Chris take him home. He feels so comfortable that he falls asleep on the way there, his constantly spinning head finally able to take a break.

When he wakes, it’s to Chris gently shaking his shoulder. “We’re here, sweetheart.”

The pet name seems to roll easily off Chris’s tongue and he doesn’t even seem like he wants to correct himself. He just continues to stare with his pretty eyes, inviting Darren to place his full trust in him. In fact, it’s almost alarming how easily Darren lets himself slip under Chris’s protective blanket but he doesn’t even have to think twice about it.

Darren takes Chris’s hand and lets himself be led out of the car and to the front door of his apartment, despite the fact that they’re going to his own home.

He does as Chris had told him. He takes a long, hot shower for almost thirty minutes, the steam and water soothing his aching muscles. He puts on a clean pair of pajamas and meets Chris in the kitchen, where a “healthy and nutritious” dinner awaits him, just as had been promised.

“I didn’t know you could cook,” Darren comments teasingly as they eat at the breakfast table, Darren savouring the rich flavor of the quinoa he didn’t even know had been in his pantry.

“Of course I can, can’t you?” Chris asks as he forks a piece of salmon and pops it into his mouth.

Darren takes a moment to consider. “I mean, I can feed myself when I need to, if that’s what you mean. I just don’t have a lot of time for stuff like this.”

Chris puts down his fork and straightens his posture again, looking over at Darren intensely. Immediately, Darren drops his fork, ready to hang on Chris’s every word.

“That’s what I’m talking about, Darren,” Chris starts. He doesn’t sound annoyed or angry, just stern, and possibly a touch concerned. “You need to make time for stuff like this. Listen, I love that you’re so busy. You’ve been doing a great job and I’m proud of you. But you’re going to run yourself into the ground if you keep going at this pace. You need to take a few nights out of the week to stay home, cook yourself a healthy meal, and go to bed early. I don’t like seeing what happens when to you when you don’t.”

Inexplicably, Darren feels tears begin to sting in his eyes. “It’s just so hard.”

Chris nods, not looking put off by the sudden display of emotion. “I know. I know you’re adjusting and it’s going to take time. I get that. And I’ll be here to help you with whatever you need. But Darren - if you do find yourself needing help, I want you to ask me for it, okay? That’ll make things a whole lot easier.”

If Darren had been tense before, his whole body loosens in that moment. He feels comforted, safe. Those words mean more to him than he could ever possibly begin to explain to Chris, but he has a feeling he doesn’t even have to.

“Thanks Chris,” Darren says instead. “I really appreciate that...”

After dinner, Darren is shoed away to the couch. He’s told to get some blankets and pillows and put in a movie while Chris cleans up. Once settled on the couch he can feel his body desperately begging him for sleep, but Darren forces himself to keep his eyes open until Chris makes his way into the living room. By that point, he’s half asleep and has lost what little inhibitions he already had to begin with. As soon as Chris sits down to check on him, Darren wraps himself around his body, snuggling into his side and quickly falling into a deep and heavy sleep.

The last thing he remembers is Chris winding his arms around him and holding on tight. 

Even in sleep, Darren feels at peace.

\--

When Darren wakes, it’s to a dark room, illuminated only by the soft glow of the TV. He momentarily panics, but relaxes as soon as he realizes it’s Chris’s body that he feels holding on to him. Darren is still confused, though. What happened? How long has he been sleeping? Is it morning already? Why hasn’t Chris left yet? Is Chris even awake?

A second later, Chris shifts, drawing in a sharp breath. Darren’s eyes finally adjust and he’s able to see his eyes fluttering open. “Darren?” Chris mumbles.

“Yeah,” he answers softly, thankful that he’s finally starting to become more aware of his surroundings. “Guess we fell asleep.”

“We most certainly did,” Chris agrees with a laugh. “You were dead to the world within seconds of me sitting down. I’ve never seen anyone pass out like that.”

“I guess I was tired?”

“That’s the understatement of the century,” Chris teases, tightening the arms that are still wrapped around Darren and hugging him closer. He then pulls out his phone, gasping softly when he checks it. “Shit, it’s 3:30am, Darren. I need to get home.”

“No!” Darren yelps before he can stop himself. He regrets it instantly. He knows the plea had sounded weirdly desperate, but he can’t help it. The thought of Chris leaving while he still feels so vulnerable and in need of someone to take care of him makes panic surge in every cell of his body. Chris can’t go, he can’t.

“Stay,” Darren requests softly without giving it a second thought. The embarrassment of needing to ask for this feels far less consequential than the concept of being left alone. Still though, he stammers, hastily trying to justify himself to Chris. “It’s late and you’re half asleep and you shouldn’t be driving so please can you just sleep here?” He’s silent for a moment before quickly adding, “I mean… if that’s okay with you?”

“Shh,” Chris soothes gently, apparently having sensed Darren’s discomfort. “Yeah, it’s okay with me. I’ll stay.”

Relieved, Darren settles back down, resting his head on Chris’s chest. For his part, Chris grabs the blanket Darren keeps thrown across the back of the couch and spreads it across the two of them, tucking it in around Darren’s shoulders. “Sleep, Dare. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

Somehow, that’s that exactly what he’d needed to hear. As Chris settles back down, he feels a chaste kiss being pressed to his forehead. It’s the last thing he’s aware of before promptly falling back to sleep, his dreams consumed entirely by _Chris, Chris, Chris_.

\--

Darren resurfaces from the fog of the heaviest sleep he can ever remember having. Opening his eyes, he blinks blearily and tries to focus before thoughts of the past few hours begin to flood back into his mind. Chris is warm and soft below him, breathing quietly. Darren looks up to simply observe, admiring the way Chris is smiling in this sleep. Darren smiles back.

Aside from the slight embarrassment of having let Chris see him so vulnerable last night, Darren is pleased to find that he doesn’t regret anything that happened. He knows he made the right choice by asking Chris to spend the night, and also by subsequently cuddling with him while they slept. It all just feels so _right_.

Additionally, Darren is happy to find he feels a whole lot better than he did yesterday. The symptoms of sickness are better instead of worse, and he actually feels well-rested and refreshed for once. Usually he wakes up even more miserable than he was before going to bed, but this morning is a different story entirely.

Darren reaches over to grab his phone off the floor. The movement causes Chris to stir and he stretches out, his nose crinkling up adorably with a yawn. Darren’s stomach goes giddy with butterflies, even more so when Chris opens his sleepy eyes and smiles softly over at him. “Good morning,” Chris greets, his voice low and sleep-rough.

Darren’s momentarily overwhelmed with an onslaught of intense feelings. Contentedness, affection, pining, happiness; they’re all hitting him at once and it’s almost too much for him to comprehend. Shaking his head, Darren pushes them away for now. It’s far, far too early for that. “Good morning,” he answers instead.

“Sleep well?” Chris, asks, making no move to get up or push Darren off. In fact, he’s acting so casually that one would think they woke up like this every morning.

Oh _fuck_ how he wishes they could wake up like this every morning.

“Yeah,” Darren answers honestly, glad for the momentary distraction. “You’re like the perfect sleeping pill. We’re gonna need to bottle you up and get you on out on the market. You work like a charm.”

Chris smirks. “I’m a controlled substance though, remember? Can’t just buy this stuff over-the-counter.”

“Glad I have a prescription, then,” Darren responds with what he knows to be one of his charming smiles.

Flirting between the two of them isn’t an uncommon occurrence. It does however, feel different this time. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up but, fuck. There’s something there. Something is going on between the two of them, and Darren can only hope that Chris feels it too.

“So, are you on set today?” Chris asks after a moment of silence passes between them.

“Yeah, but my call time isn’t until ten. How about you?”

“Nope, I have the day off,” Chris tells him proudly. “Go get a shower. I’ll make us some breakfast and then I’ll drive you to work, okay?”

“Okay,” Darren agrees immediately. “That sounds like a good plan.”

Darren walks up to his bathroom feeling light, carefree. There’s something about having Chris here, something about having Chris take care of him that makes him feel free. It’s no secret that Darren likes a little coddling, but this is so much different. This isn’t Joey making him soup while he has the flu. It isn’t Lauren putting him to bed when he’s drunk. It’s Chris, tending to his needs without even being asked. Chris, telling him when to eat and sleep and even bathe as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. It’s the kind of structure Darren had had no idea he needed until now. All he knows for sure is that he never wants to give it up.

Well, maybe if he grew some balls and actually voiced these thoughts to Chris, he wouldn’t have to?

That simple notion is terrifying but thrilling at the same time, and the later outweighs the former by a longshot.


	3. Chapter 3

The filming of prom is exhausting, but it goes off without a hitch. Three eighteen hour days in a row of what feel like non-stop resets and retakes. Darren plows through it with exuberance, the night he spent with Chris having refreshed and restored him back to his former self. He bounces around set, has a blast filming his performance and puts his all into his more dramatic scenes. It helps tremendously that almost every scene he films is with Chris, too.

The whole thing is tiring, but when they officially wrap he goes home and winds up sleeping like a baby. No tossing or turning, no waking up in the middle of the night. The next morning he feels rejuvenated instead of drained, and he even eats a healthy breakfast that follows one of the recipe suggestions Chris had given him. 

As time goes on, Darren begins to realize that the days that he feels like a million bucks are starting to outnumber the days that he feels like complete shit. Darren certainly knows who he owes that credit to.

It’s like he blinks and suddenly they’re wrapping season two. He’d feel sad and nostalgic, but they’ll soon be leaving on their tour, and he’ll get to spend every single night with these amazing new people whose company he has come to genuinely enjoy. He’ll even get to perform almost every day, sometimes _twice_ a day.

He’ll get to be around Chris so much more than he already is.

Soon, the time comes and they’re kicking the tour off in Las Vegas. They party a little too hard the night before; there’s champagne and shots and Darren can’t stop smiling and laughing. He’s never seen Chris so happy, and the buzz he has going keeps him leaning into Chris’s side for most of the night. Luckily, Chris doesn’t seem to mind.

However, the next day during rehearsals Darren get his first peek at the arena and he can’t deny that he feels a little bit intimidated.

He’s never played a venue this huge before. The tour is sold out. The press are following their every move. He feels like a fucking superstar, like he’s living his boyhood dream, but he can’t help but feel hesitant. This tour is apparently a Big Fucking Deal. What if he fucks up?

He needs to find Chris.

“Hey,” Darren walks into their shared room to find Chris furiously tapping away on his laptop, looking stressed.

Darren had come here to vent, but Chris looks even more worse for the wear than he feels. “You alright?” he asks, concern coiling up tight in his belly.

Chris spares him one glance, pausing for a moment before going right back to typing. “I’m fine.”

Darren knows that in Chris speak, “fine” means the exact opposite it’s customary definition. Darren sits down next to Chris, forcing himself to be quiet for a moment, hoping Chris will open up without being asked.

Eventually, blessedly, he does. “I’m just really nervous, okay?” Chris stops typing and slumps backwards. “Like, fucking terrified. This venue is huge and I just… I _hate_ singing live.”

The confession is a surprise to Darren. He knows Chris isn’t the exactly flashy, attention-seeking performer that Darren is at heart, but Chris has an incredible voice. He shouldn’t be self-conscious about it. The fact is that he is, though. And that’s what matters.

“I’m not gonna sit here and tell you not to be nervous, because I know that’s a stupid fucking thing to say,” Darren starts. Allowing his instincts take over, he doesn’t give it a second thought as he places a hand on Chris’s knee. “In fact, I’ll admit I’m a little intimidated myself.”

“You?” Chris finally makes some substantial eye contact with Darren. “But you live for this kind of stuff.”

“Yeah, but this tour is a big deal.” Darren knows this probably isn’t helping, so he changes tactics. “I’m sure everyone’s nervous. It’s totally normal, but once you get out on that stage you’ll forget about everything and you’ll fall right into the zone. Trust me.”

Chris deadpans. “Darren. I have to wear a _leotard_.”

Darren tilts his head, pretending the be confused. “I fail to see the problem. If anything, that reminder just gave me something to really look forward to later.”

Maybe it was a little forward, and Darren curses himself for his tendency to just blurt things out like that. It’s something he’s been working on, but clearly not hard enough since he just told his coworker - the coworker he happens to have an enormous secret crush on - that he wants to see him in a skintight leotard. Darren is such a creep.

Thankfully, Chris doesn’t seem freaked out by the comment at all. He just looks away, the corner of his mouth twitching up in a little smile. Darren squeezes Chris’s knee reassuringly before finally pulling back, folding his hands in his lap and waiting for Chris to speak.

He’s quiet, though. Darren is acutely aware of the silence. He’s desperate to fill it, a million ways to change to subject or to break the tension running through his head. He’s biting his tongue so hard he’s scared he might break skin but somehow, Darren manages to keep quiet. He knows it’s what Chris needs, and he’s willing to do anything to give Chris what he needs.

Eventually, Chris draws in a sharp breath and rubs his hands over his face. “Well, I’m still nervous. But it helps to know that you’re nervous, too. How many times has that happened in your lifetime? Twice? Two and a half?”

Darren laughs hard at that, bumping Chris’s shoulder with his own. It’s at times like these that it’s so hard to hide the way he feels. Darren usually wears his thoughts and emotions on his sleeve. He’s a strong believer in openness and honesty, especially when it comes to his relationships. 

But Chris is different. There’s a laundry list of reasons why Darren can’t tell Chris that he likes him as more than a friend, but the most horrifying one is the possibility that he’s ruin their friendship. They’ve only known each other for about eight months at this point but it feels like so much longer than that, and Darren can’t bare the thought of a life without Chris in it.

So, yeah. Discretion is key, despite the fact that his body is betraying him with burning cheeks and a huge grin that he can’t seem to wipe away.

He really hates having a crush.

“Anyway,” Chris says, zapping Darren out of La-La Land and back into reality. “I should eat something before the show. Have you eaten?”

“Nope, not since breakfast.”

“Darren, it’s almost 4 and the show starts at 8.” Chris nudges him, Darren immediately getting out of the booth to stand. Chris leans over to close his laptop and grab his wallet and sunglasses. “Come on, let’s go get some dinner.” Chris suggests, nodding his head in a way that Darren knows means “follow me.” He’s happy to comply. 

It feels almost Lost Puppy-ish, the way he’s trailing behind Chris and practically hanging onto his every word. Probably just some weird side-effect of crushing, Darren supposes. He feels like he’d follow Chris right off a cliff if the opportunity presented itself, but that would never happen. Chris would never be stupid enough to walk off a cliff.

Chris opens the door for him and Darren steps out, pausing and allowing Chris to take the lead once they’re outside. He doesn’t even question where they’re going. Chris has great taste in food and Darren trusts that whatever they eat will be delicious.

Darren would trust Chris with anything.


	4. Chapter 4

Their first show is phenomenal.

It’s a life changing experience, if Darren is being honest with himself. Sure, he’s played plenty of gigs before, but never anything quite like this. He’s never stood in the middle of an arena in a major city, with thousands of fans cheering for him and practically going ballistic from the moment he steps on stage. It’s surreal, and an eye opener to what the phenomenon of _Glee_ has actually become.

The night after the show they celebrate by having a few drinks at the bar in their hotel. It’s been a long, exhausting day, and although some cast members aren’t willing to waste their night in Vegas by sitting in, almost everyone else decides to lay low. They’d been warned over and over again that the tour itself is going to be exhausting, and that they should sleep and rest when they can.

Normally, Darren would be the last one to heed this advice, but Chris has been adamant about not wanting to go out clubbing. He’s been insisting that he’s “still too young,” even though his twenty-first birthday is in just a few days and he’s in town for a sold out tour. Despite constant reassurances from Darren and several other cast members that he won’t have a problem (and solid proof when the bartender of the hotel hands him a glass of Prosecco without carding him), Chris has his mind made up.

Nevertheless, if Chris is choosing to stay in, then Darren will as well. They spend the night getting tipsy and talking and laughing with their friends. As Darren’s inhibitions fade away with each refilled glass of Scotch, he thinks more and more about what it would be like to kiss Chris.

He tamps down these thoughts immediately though, and moves away to go chat with Amber and Lea.

He sort of avoids Chris for the rest of the night even though he really doesn’t want to, but it’s for his own good. For their own good.

\--

The days begin to melt together.

Chris’s twenty-first birthday in Sacramento stands out significantly, when the entire cast ensures that Chris end up too drunk to stand by the end of the night. It happens pretty fast, and he’s sent to bed before 11pm, but Darren thinks Chris has never looked more adorable than when he’s tipsy and loose from tequila shots, laughing so much that it makes even Darren’s own face feel sore.

The tour is a whirlwind, measured mostly in isolated, golden moments.

Darren can’t say he’s surprised when he finds that most of these moments involve Chris in some way.

He’s been growing closer with the entirety of the cast lately. That’s what happens when you spend most of your time with the same people for weeks on end. Chris and Darren themselves however, need to work closer than they ever have before. They’re supposed do the same general sketch with the same general lines every night, but the two of them are artists. They want to make sure that no two performances are exactly alike.

To spice things up, they invent a contest: whoever can get the other to break character on stage first will be the winner.

Predictably, the competition is heated. Chris is so damn creative and he’s also fucking hilarious. Somewhere between the “Klaine plates” and the “Queen of England” skit Darren sure he’s going to lose. He’d be okay with losing, though. He’s having more fun messing around with Chris on stage every night than he can remember having in a long, long time. 

As a last ditch effort, Darren ups his game at the very end, on the very last night of the tour. He’s just really, really competitive, okay? That’s what he tells himself.

It’s also what he tells everyone else that asks; the cast, the media, his own friends and even Chris himself. Darren doesn’t mention anything about the rush he’d felt as their lips touched in front of all of those people, or about the dizzying pull of arousal he’d felt in knowing he’d taken Chris by surprise and had done something he wasn’t supposed to.

Darren has always been a bit of a rule-breaker, and Chris is better off learning that now.

Chris isn’t mad about it, though. He laughs it off and rolls his eyes and admits defeat. Somehow, the victory isn’t as satisfying as Darren had hoped.

\--

There’s a lot of promotion the cast needs to do at the end of the summer for their movie premiere, but it isn’t enough. Darren feels the absence of Chris deep in his bones. His constant presence over the summer had been a comfort and he’d taken that for granted. He misses their banter, their inside jokes. Darren needs his Chris. He needs his best friend, and every day he has to wait for a work-related event to pop up in order for them to see each other again is pure torture.

So Darren takes the reins into his own hands: he calls Chris up one afternoon and asks him out to dinner.

If Chris assumes he’d just been asked on a date, so be it. Darren _wants_ it to be a date, but he thinks that just outright saying that would be a little too straightforward even for his own tastes. Either way, Chris accepts the invitation and their plans are set for Friday evening at 7. Darren mainly just tries not to read too much into the fact that Chris had hesitated before saying yes.

Actually, he tries vehemently not to read too much into _anything_ involving Chris at the moment. Darren can’t be sure if the feelings he’s been having are mutual. His gage for these types of situations has never been quite accurate, but a voice inside of him is saying that there really is something going on between the two of them. Something _more_. 

Well, you never know until you ask, right?

“You know I didn’t just ask you here as friends, right?” Nobody’s ever accused Darren of being subtle. In fact, ge considers his ability to be straightforward one of his best assets.

Darren regrets the question a moment later however, when Chris looks at Darren like he’d just confided a murder. 

A million different options for ways to handle the situation run through Darren’s head, but only a few of them seem plausible. He could backpedal and pretend he was joking, no doubt ruining the rest of their night by leaving awkward tension and unspoken words hanging in the air. Or, he could finish what he started and just tell the truth. Honesty has always been a virtue for Darren, and he’d rather just get this over with already. The attraction, the flirtation, and the romantic possibilities in general have been building between the two of them since the very first day they met. How long can they really keep doing this before one of them actually says something about it?

When Chris just keeps quiet, Darren allows his motor mouth to take over, soldiering on like the tense pause had never even happened. “We’re not just friends, are we? We were never really just friends. Am I crazy for thinking that? Because if I am, we could totally just forget I ever said anything, but I don’t know, man. I guess what I’m trying to ask here is: do you have feelings for me? I wasn’t going to just bring it up like that but I can’t keep quiet about it anymore.” Darren isn’t even sure if he’s making sense. His thoughts are leaving him in short, unfinished sentences and his eloquence seems to have abandoned him entirely . 

He’d kind of been hoping that Chris would cut short his rambling at some point, but he’s been unsettlingly quiet so far. 

Darren expects Chris to bolt, or maybe even to start yelling at him. His expression is unreadable, a blank stare that Darren can’t decipher. Whatever Chris’s reaction will be, Darren doesn’t expect it to be at all positive.

Finally, after several moments of Darren biting his tongue and trying not to fill the silence, Chris speaks. “So, are you asking me if I have feelings for you, or are you telling me that you have feelings for me?”

It’s a strange question, but it’s better than getting walked out on, Darren supposes. “Uh, both?” he answers weakly.

“Okay, well then...” Chris’s face suddenly breaks out into a wide, cheeky grin. He glances down at the fork in his hand and breaks eye contact with Darren to begin playing around with his food. “My answer is yes, then. I do have feelings for you.”

Darren is just about ready to jump up and start bouncing on his chair Tom Cruise-style, but another glance at Chris’s face and he can see that the other metaphorical shoe is about to drop. 

“...But I also don’t really know what that means.”

Darren waits, but Chris doesn’t make any immediate attempt to explain himself. “Can you elaborate for me a little?” he prompts desperately.

“Well, you know as well as I do that this is complicated, right?”

“What’s complicated about it? I like you and you like me back. We should be together, it’s as simple as that.”

“Darren, you and I are celebrities that portray boyfriends on a hit TV show and you’ve spent almost every interview you’ve had declaring your heterosexuality. That’s about as complicated as it gets.”

Darren feels taken aback at that. When it comes to his sexuality, he’s always felt that he should’d be expected to explain himself. Besides, it’s not like it was his decision to label himself, anyway. He’d simply been told time and time again that he needed to choose a “side,” as they had put it. _Hollywood is shallow like that, Darren. People are going to ask, they’re going to want to know. Especially since you’re playing a gay character on TV._

And they were right. Unfortunately, Darren had never really perfected a response, so the first time he was ever asked that question, he blurted out the first thing he could think of. Darren had only ever had relationships with women, so he told the reporter he was straight. He had no idea at the time that the effects of that decision would ripple so far down the road.

“Well, let’s get one thing... out of the way.” Darren refrains from making a joke about his purposeful exclusion of the word ‘straight.’ “I’m not completely straight, okay? I don’t even truly believe that most people are completely _anything_. Sexuality runs on a sliding scale; it’s fluid, and just because I like women one day doesn’t mean I can’t like a guy the next day. I shouldn’t have to put a box around myself. I like _you_. That’s all there is to it.”

“Okay, I hear you, but look at it from the media’s perspective. They’re going to want to twist your words around anyway they can to get a decent story. They’re probably going to write articles about how you’re confused, or about how you can’t decide what team you play for. They’ll try to scandalize the fact that a self-proclaimed straight actor is suddenly dating his male co-star. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.”

“Uh, okay, but that’s kind of biphobic, isn’t it?” Darren tries and fails not to feel defensive. “Pretty sure everyone is aware of what the ‘B’ in ‘LGBT’ stands for.”

“Okay, I’m sorry if that sounded biphobic, Darren.” Chris says, sounding genuine. “That wasn’t what I was trying to say. I know bisexuality is a thing, but unfortunately the rest of the world isn’t quite there yet.” Chris sighs, sounding resigned and tired. “Look, when you’re an actor, when you’re in the public eye… they ask you to choose. And even if they don’t, they’re still going to choose for you. The thing that sucks even more here, though? You’ve already made your choice.” 

Darren groans, scrubbing his hands over his eyes. While he’s always preferred to live his life in an optimistic world where everyone can be whatever they want to be, he’s also starting to realize that life in the real world isn’t quite like that. This isn’t San Francisco. This isn’t his hugely diverse college campus in Michigan. This is Hollywood. And Hollywood can be a petty, fickle, and extremely shallow place. To say the least.

And Chris is right; he would definitely know better about these things than he does. Chris has been in Hollywood quite a bit longer than Darren himself has. He has experience, and Darren knows that Chris isn’t saying any of this just because he doesn’t like him back. 

“So basically what you’re telling me is… we can’t be together?” Darren holds his breath.

Chris huffs, and for the first time since the conversation began, his eyes soften. “I really do like you Darren, and I want to be with you. But if we do this… we can’t tell anyone, okay? We have to keep it a secret. Not only to protect you and I as individuals, but to protect our relationship.”

Darren wants to argue. The thought of keeping Chris a secret feels wrong, because all he wants to do is show Chris off to the world. Being able to call Chris his own would make him the proudest man alive, and the fact that he has millions of people that are ready and willing to see that makes the thought of telling them even more appealing.

But Chris is right; they don’t live in a perfect world. If being quiet about their relationship means being able to even be in the relationship at all, then Darren has no choice but to agree to it.

He’s beginning to find that he doesn’t have as many choices in this life as he’d originally thought. 

“Okay,” Darren agrees. “So…” he lowers his voice, resisting the urge to reach out and hold Chris’s hand. “I can call you my boyfriend now?”

Chris looks up, cheeks turning red and head nodding rapidly. “Yeah. And I can call you mine.”

“Honestly Chris, that’s all I ever really wanted.” They’re both smiling widely now.

“Honestly Darren, me too.”


	5. Chapter 5

Chris and Darren’s relationship is far from perfect. 

Even though they both have so much in common, they’re still two very different people. They butt heads a lot, often disagreeing about the best course of action in situations that range from minor to major. Darren wants to go out when Chris wants to stay in. They’re trying to find a a way to balance their time spent together so Chris doesn’t feel overcrowded and Darren doesn’t feel neglected. It might be tougher than expected, but they’re learning how to make it work, and Darren thinks that maybe all of that is half the fun.

Despite all of this, when their relationship is good, it’s _really_ good. And luckily, their relationship is _good_ a majority of the time.

Tonight is the perfect example of that. They’ve just gotten to Chris’s place after a long 16-hour day of shooting. Chris lives closer to the studio, so they often crash at his house so Darren can soak up every last minute of sleep he can. 

And every last minute of time spent with Chris, too.

“Can you massage my legs?” Darren whines when Chris enters the room, looking hot as sin in nothing but his glasses and flannel pajama pants. Darren would request that Chris do more than just massage his legs if he weren’t so honest-to-god exhausted. 

“They’re really sore from rehearsal,” he adds. Darren does his best to sound pathetic, which he knows is usually Chris’s undoing.

“Darren,” Chris groans. “You know I’m really tired and sore too, right?” Nevertheless, Chris automatically gets onto the bed next to Darren and begins massaging his stiff calves. Darren smiles triumphantly and relaxes into the bed, eager to engage Chris in some juicy on-set gossip. 

Before long Darren is idly wondering if Chris had gotten caught up in their conversation because the massage doesn’t stop at his calves. Chris works his way up to Darren’s lower back and eventually his neck and shoulders as well. Chris has never given him a full-body massage unprompted before, but Darren is not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

As the massage continues, Darren thinks he might be falling asleep, but he’s also not as sleepy as he was before. He’s not sure what’s happening to him, actually. Every muscle of his body is loose, pliant, and he’s sort of starting to feel like he’s floating. 

He’s lost in his own mind, like being in a coma that’s he’s still semi-conscious for. Perhaps a better word to describe it would be a... trance? It’s so odd, but the only thing he’s aware of is Chris; of his presense, of his soft requests that Darren spread his leg out, or to turn his head to the side. He feels safe, protected, like Chris will take care of anything that he needs and Darren can just drop every last care that he has in the world. It’s relaxation to his very core and he’s never felt anything quite like it.

“Roll over,” Chris requests. Darren’s body immediately turns, almost without him even being aware of it. He splits open his eyes, arousal stirring deep in his belly when he sees that Chris is leaning over and gazing down at him affectionately . 

Darren isn’t sure how to eloquently verbalize what he needs in that moment, and he sputters a bit before Chris leans down to kiss him. Darren wants to deepen the kiss, wants to communicate that he needs something _more_ but he just can’t figure out how to form the words. 

Chris must sense that something is off. “You alright?”

It takes a moment, but soon Darren is able to speak again. “Yeah, why?”

“You just seem really… out of it. Do you wanna talk about something?”

Darren smiles, silently marveling at the fact that they’re coming to know each other so intimately. Neither of them are naturally good at expressing their feelings when upset; where Chris tends to isolate and shut others out completely, Darren becomes even more affectionate and clingier than he usually is. They’re both aware that neither tactic is the healthier version of simply talking about what’s bothering them, so the gentle prompt from Chris is greatly appreciated.

“Nope,” Darren replies honestly. “I’m perfect, actually.”

Chris nods in response before going in to begin kissing Darren’s neck.

Predictably, Darren has already changed his mind about not wanting to have sex tonight. Chris’s warm mouth and breath on the sensitive skin of his neck seem to have gone right to his cock, and soon he’s hard and tenting the cotton of his boxers. “Please.” The word leaves Darren’s mouth before he can give it a second thought.

“Please what?” Chris asks curiously, stopping what he was doing to make eye contact with Darren.

Darren tries not to let himself grow frustrated. He knows Chris can’t read his mind, but by the same token he can barely read his own mind sometimes. Especially now. All he knows for sure is that he wants to continue letting Chris make him feel this way.

“Can you just… keep going? I want you to just… do whatever you want to do to me.” It’s the only way he can think of putting what he’s feeling into words.

Darren expects his request to confuse Chris even more, but to his surprise Chris nods. Without warning, Chris sticks his hand beneath the waistband of Darren’s boxers and grips his cock, squeezing hard. Darren groans involuntarily, head tipping back both in pleasure and relief that Chris has received the correct message.

“You like that?” Chris asks, giving his shaft another sharp squeeze. “Is that good?”

“Yeah, yeah it’s good,” Darren answers immediately.

Without another word, Chris shifts his position so that he’s more on top of Darren than he was before. The pressure and weight of Chris’s body feels almost as relieving to Darren as the hand that’s currently wrapped around his cock. He tries to thrust into Chris’s grip as a way of communicating his approval, but Chris pins his left hip down almost as soon as he does.

“Ah, ah. Let me,” he tells Darren and fuck yes, okay, that’s _perfect_.

Darren’s body relaxes again. His muscles loosen bit by bit as Chris starts pumping, the other hand that’s still pushing down on Darren’s hip grounding him. He closes his eyes and revels in the feeling. He’s gotten plenty of handjobs before, but none have ever felt quite like this. 

He almost thinks it can’t get any better until Chris moves to press on his shoulder, pushing him down hard into the bed and practically incapacitating him. Darren enacts as much self-control as he possibly can to stave off the orgasm that’s suddenly building at the base of his balls. He manages to make it last for a few more minutes but he’s only human and soon he’s coming hard, body trying to curl up off the bed despite Chris’s hand making it impossible.

When Darren comes back down from what may have been one of the most ecstasy-inducing orgasms of his life, he feels strangely tired. It’s almost like he’s asleep, in fact. He’s aware of Chris speaking to him, but his voice sounds far away, like they’re both underwater. He’s floating, his body and mind simultaneously calm in ways that they haven’t been in far too long. Darren can’t even react to Chris, who he thinks is currently trying to persuade him into some kind of reciprocation.

It takes a few more minutes, but finally Darren opens his eyes.

Chris is looking at him strangely, his expression somewhere between confused and annoyed. “If you were that tired you could have just said something, Darren. I don’t take too kindly to boyfriends who just fall asleep after sex and then leave me to fend for myself.”

“I didn’t fall asleep… uh, at least I think I didn’t?” He’s not really sure how to explain what just happened. Darren has always been a man of many words but for once he’s coming up short. “I just spaced out for a minute, I’m sorry.” 

Chris has lost the annoyed expression in favor of one that’s now slightly concerned. “Are you alright?” He reaches out a hand to feel Darren’s forehead. “Are you sick or something?”

“No, not that either.” Darren shrugs, content to forget about the situation in favor of more important matters. “Look, I know it was weird, but can we just forget about it and get back to the sex part please?”

Chris clearly doesn’t need to be asked twice, quickly shimmying down his boxers for the blowjob he so rightly deserves. 

\--

Darren would have been quick to brush the incident off, expect it keeps happening.

Two nights later they get a solid hour of free time and a chance for some quality, unrushed and penetrative sex. Chris is fucking Darren when he slips into the coma-like trance again, his skin burning where Chris has been holding his wrists above his head. It isn’t until after they’ve both come that Darren realizes just how pissed off Chris is this time.

“Can you please just talk to me?” Chris snaps suddenly, jerking Darren out of the fog he’d been in. “If you’re tired, if you’re actually upset about something, or if it’s just not good for you too then you need to tell me, because if you’re really going to lie there every time we have sex now then I’d rather just opt out of it completely.” 

Fuck. Chris is really, really mad. “It’s not that,” Darren is quick to reassure because of course it isn’t. “It’s not that I’m not enjoying it, I think maybe I’m just... enjoying it too much?” Darren is still trying to figure out this entire situation is his head as he attempts to explain it to Chris, so he knows he’s probably coming off as less than eloquent. This compounded with the fact that he urgently needs to reassure Chris and make him understand only serves to stress him out further and jumble up his words even more.

“I like what we do, Chris,” he tries, knowing that’s probably the best way to start. “I mean, I like _how_ we do it. I love it, actually. I love how you always get on top of me and take charge and take control. It turns me on. I think it relaxes me, even - knowing I can just let go and leave things up to you. I really love that.” Darren takes a breath as he continues sorting his thoughts. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I wasn’t enjoying it or something because it’s the exact opposite. Ugh god, I sound like such a moron right now-”

Unexpectedly, Chris cuts Darren off. “No, you don’t.” Darren studies Chris’s expression and is surprised to find that it’s no longer angry. In fact, Chris is nodding his head and looks more contemplative than anything. “I think… I think I’m beginning to understand, actually.”

Darren waits for Chris to continue but is met with only silence. He’s learning that Chris is someone who needs to retreat into their own head more often than Darren himself does. When Chris is thinking something over or preparing to make a big decision, it’s wise to give him space and let him think rather than ask him to talk it out. It’s just one of the many things that make them different people, but they’ve been learning how to compensate for these differences and that’s what matters.

However, there are some things that Darren just can’t change about himself - he can only keep quiet for so long. “What do you mean by that?”

Chris finally makes some quick eye contact, only to begin blushing furiously. He looks down and shakes his head, much to Darren’s disappointment

“Whatever you’re thinking you can just say it, Chris.” Darren reaches out to rub Chris’s shoulder, hoping the touch will offer some kind of comfort. “It’s me. You know I won’t judge.”

“Uh, it’s just…” Chris sighs, looking hesitant and somewhat awkward. Darren stays patient. “I know that a lot of people… have a sort of, sexual preference? Like, I don’t mean gender-wise but, well. Do you know what a kink is?”

Darren feels his eyebrows knot together and he truly struggles not to make an inappropriate joke. “I’m not as innocent as I look, dude.”

“No.” Chris still isn’t maintaining eye contact but luckily, he gives Darren a little bit more to go by. “I know that. I’m just saying, I think you may have a kink. I think we both do, actually. You like when I’m the one in control and I like being the one in control, so luckily our kinks are compatible.”

A lightbulb goes off in Darren’s head. “Ohhh, you mean like BDSM?”

“Uh, yeah... I guess it’s sort of like that?”

“Cool!” Darren tilts his head so that he can make eye contact with Chris. “I’m always up for trying new things. I’d totally be down with you tying me up while we fuck. I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t jerked off to that thought many a time, actually.”

Chris rolls his eyes but laughs, and Darren’s heart soars when he sees that he managed to pull a smile out of him. “I’m up for that too, for sure, but it’s not as simple as all that. We should talk about this a little more before we just dive into it, right?”

“What’s there to talk about? I know somewhere we can purchase fuzzy handcuffs if that’s the issue. Actually, we should probably order them offline seeing as how I’m sure that trip would be a oneway ticket to every headline of any celebrity gossip website imaginable. Oh, god. Imagine the comments on _those_ articles.”

Chris looks amused, but still thoughtful. “Well, I guess I just want to make sure we’re both safe. Something like this could go very wrong very fast if we don’t use the necessary precautions; like for example, a safeword?”

The phrase is self-explanatory, but Darren hasn’t heard it used too much in casual conversation. “So like, a word to use if one of us needs to stop? Okay. But why can’t the safeword just be ‘stop’?”

“Because…” Chris pauses. “I guess because that’s part of it? Like, I wouldn’t be able to tell if you really wanted me to stop or not. You know, because you’re all tied up… and such.” 

“Um, okay.” Darren tries not to make it obvious that he’s even more confused now than he was before.

Chris takes a moment before humming thoughtfully. “Alright, clearly we’re not ready for this.” Chris rolls away from Darren to grab his laptop off the floor. “We need to do some research.” Opening it, he pulls up Google and starts furiously tapping away. “As of right now, we are learning. Students to the art of fucking someone’s brains out while they’re tied up, yes?”

Darren rarely, if ever, gets to hear Chris talk like that and it sends a jolt of heat straight to his cock. “Okay, so you’re really starting to make that situation sound appealing and the thought of reading a bunch of websites about it pales in comparison to actually doing the thing, wouldn’t you agree?”

“No. I mean - yes, it does, but that’s not the point.” Chris turns to Darren to look at him seriously. “I don’t want to start something like this with you unless I can be sure you’re going to stay safe and happy. This isn’t something I’m comfortable with just jumping into, especially because it’s going to be up to me to protect you. Well, to protect us, really. We’re doing this together, okay?”

Somehow, that’s all Darren needs to hear. “Okay,” he says softly, body melting against Chris’s as he snuggles up into his shoulder, the two of them focusing their full attention on the laptop in front of them.


	6. Chapter 6

As luck would have it, the next few days of work are part of the infamous ‘Glee Hell Week’.

They’re putting the wraps on season three. The whole thing is incredibly emotional, albeit somewhat melodramatic. The script itself implies that the cast is saying goodbye to the original characters for good, and that possibility is making Darren nervous. The Powers that Be and even Glee itself are unpredictable forces; they could easily write Chris right off the show if they chose to do so.

Darren tries to put this thought in the back of his mind. If there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that Ryan adores Chris. He’s no more likely to be leaving the show than Lea, and if there are two original cast members that are safe, he know it’s them.

Still, the filming of the final episodes are emotional and physically draining. The choreography for Nationals is complicated and the rehearsals long. Kurt and Blaine have a few scenes that Darren knows the fans are going to love, but there are also a few things he knows they’re not going to be happy about.

The push for Kurt and Blaine to show more physical affection on the show has been going on for months now, and both Darren and Chris have heard the pleas. It seems like there’s a simple solution, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. For one, Darren has never really felt like he has the complete freedom to make a lot of his own acting choices. It’s been a year and a half but he still feels like the “new guy” on set and doesn’t want to push his limits. Additionally, the simple fact is that Glee is owned by a network that is infamously conservative, and he has a nasty, nagging feeling that an attempt by Blaine to be more affectionate with Kurt may not be received well by whomever happened to be directing that day.

All of these factors aside, a part of Darren knows that one of the underlying issues here is that Chris doesn’t exactly encourage acting decisions like this, either. Chris has been so desperately secretive about their relationship; it seems that the closer they get - the more Darren can feel himself falling for Chris, the more Chris ensures that they keep themselves completely separated from each other in public. No more pictures taken together at events, no more dinner dates in the tourist-frequented sections of Hollywood. While Darren understands the reasoning behind this, he also doesn’t agree that these rules should leak into their acting lives, too. They’re Kurt and Blaine in front of those cameras, so if Blaine wants to scoot a little too close to Kurt during a performance in the choir room then he should be allowed to, right?

Darren hadn’t thought about it too much initially. Who cares if they get to kiss as Kurt and Blaine if they’re doing so much kissing as Chris and Darren, right? However, the fans are making a good point; their onscreen relationship sets a precedent and is a model for many young gay relationships. Chris and Darren both agree that they’ve lost count of the number of times they’ve been told by a fan that Kurt or Blaine have helped them come out, or to feel more comfortable with their own sexuality. It’s incredibly important that they continue to portray that on the show.

But protecting what he and Chris have? That’s important to Darren, too. 

So he ignores it. Especially now, when they’re crawling into bed after finally wrapping the last episode of season three and the two of them are too tired to even kiss each other goodnight.

Laying in bed, Darren tries to forget about the number stressors that have been weighing heavily on him for the past few months. Unfortunately, doing this never really allows him to clear his mind completely, especially not at night. It simply allows the more primitive side of his brain to take over instead. 

The knowledge of everything they’ve been researching together lately comes flooding back into his mind. The two of them were never stupid enough to set a plan for tonight specifically, knowing that they’d both be beyond exhausted by the time they got home. They have the rest of the summer (and particularly, all day tomorrow) to explore and experiment with each other and honestly, Darren has never been more excited to wake up the next day in his entire life.

Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration. But still.

\--

Getting up the next morning is like arising from a hangover, even though neither of them had more than two or three drinks at the cast party the night before. Their bones and muscles ache and all they can do for the next few hours is lay on the couch and catch up with TV shows that they never get a chance to watch otherwise. It’s the kind of unwinding that Darren has been craving without even knowing it, but by the time the sun has set he’s admittedly a bit antsy from doing nothing but sitting around all day. 

If Chris isn’t going to suggest it, then he knows it’s up to him.

“Chris?” Darren asks tentatively, not really sure of the right way to bring it up. 

Chris acknowledges him, albeit distractedly. 

“Are we gonna do that thing we talked about anytime soon, or...?”

Now Darren has Chris’s full attention. “Oh!” He looks surprised. 

“Really, Chris?” 

“I just didn’t know you’d want to get to that so soon. Uh, you think you’re readyfor it now, right? Like, you’ve read all the articles I emailed to you?”

“Yup! I’m as ready as I’ll ever be!” Darren jumps up. He’s about to tell Chris that he’ll meet him in the bedroom, but they’ve learned over the past few weeks that that’s not how this is supposed to work. Chris is the one who should be calling the shots. 

Darren keeps his mouth shut and watches Chris expectantly.

“Go into the bedroom and get naked for me, okay? I’ll go get the stuff we bought and meet you there in a minute,” Chris says as ge starts to get up from the couch.

Darren scrambles to do what Chris tells him, already relieved by just that small bit of control that Chris has taken from him. _For_ him.

Laying naked and vulnerable on the bed, Darren feels his heart begin to speed up a bit. The waiting, the anticipation of not knowing just when Chris is going to show up is starting to make him anxious, but soon Chris enters the bedroom carrying the discretely packaged box that had come in the mail two weekends ago. 

Inside, Darren knows, is a bondage rope. A bondage rope that is specifically designed for the safety and comfort of the person that’s being tied up. The _sub_.

Chris sits the package down on the end of the bed and crawls towards Darren with a heated look in his eye. Instead of attempting to open the box or even take off his own clothes he simply begins kissing Darren, soft and slow like there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on.

“Chris? Are you gonna-” he’s cut off by a sharp “Shh!” from Chris. 

“From now on I don’t want you to speak unless you’re spoken to.” Chris tells Darren firmly. “The only exception to that rule is when you want to use one of the colors. You do remember the colors, right?”

Darren rolls his eyes, but appreciates Chris’s concern all the same. “Yeah. Red means stop, green is go and yellow means slow down. Now we sex, okay?”

Chris nods and begins to lean down again before stopping abruptly, his facial expression switching from uncertain to stern. “No. You don’t get to tell me what to do here.” In one swift move, Chris grabs Darren’s wrist and forcefully yanks his arm until it’s palm up and pinned down above his head. If Darren wasn’t hard before, he most certainly is now. (He already totally was, for the record.)

They make out like that for a while, Darren having prompted Chris to pin his remaining wrist by wordlessly placing it next to the other. Luckily, Chris takes the hint.

Feeling trapped and helpless like this… it’s a feeling that Darren doesn’t fully understand yet, but is certainly becoming more familiar with. Helplessness is usually one of his least favorite feelings. He has a busy and hectic lifestyle, and sometimes the stress of trying to maintain that kind of momentum for long stretches of time can take it’s toll on him. When he’s with Chris he doesn’t really find himself having to worry about any of that. 

Especially not when he’s with Chris like _this_ , being forcibly held down and unable to do anything besides just… allowing things to be done to him. Despite his helplessness, it’s an empowering feeling and it both relaxes and excites Darren at the same time.

However, the angle must be too awkward because soon Chris loses his balance and flops right on top of Darren’s chest, momentarily knocking the wind out of both of them.

Darren can’t help it, he starts cracking up. He wants to make a joke about how the whole reason they purchased that rope in the first place was to sex mishaps such as this, but Chris had told him not to speak unless he was spoken to, so Darren is determined not to break the rule.

“Okay, I guess that’s a sign we should start now,” Chris, who is also smiling, tells him as he raises himself up again. He moves away and Darren squirms on the bed; half in anticipation and half in a silent complaint that he can’t ask Chris to take his clothes off. Darren’s never really found himself in a situation where he wasn’t allowed to talk before, except for like... during class in elementary school or libraries and stuff. And even those situations had never really stopped him. 

Additionally, as much as Darren loves to talk, he’s finding that not being able to isn’t exactly unpleasant either. He’s so used to being expected to speak. Used to constantly feeling like he has to clarify and over-explain everything he says. It’s nice to be given permission to let that go for a while. 

Darren had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t even noticed Chris opening up their box. Before he knows it, Chris is kneeling on the bed above him with the bondage rope in hand, looking down with an unreadable expression on his face. Darren momentarily wonders if his audible whine counts as speaking.

Chris’s mind is apparently elsewhere. “Okay, I’ve never actually practiced this knot but I did read about how to make it. If it’s too tight or maybe even not tight enough, or if you’re uncomfortable in any way just use a color, okay?”

Darren nods, and Chris starts to form the knot around his ready and waiting wrists. It takes a bit of fumbling, and at one point he muses aloud to Darren that maybe he should Google the proper procedure just to be sure, but eventually Darren feels a tightening of rope around his wrists that he quickly registers as having rendered his arms completely useless.

“Color?” Chris asks once he’s crawled back around to Darren’s side.

“Green,” Darren answers because yes, this situation could not be more green if it tried.

“Alright. I’m going to fuck you now.” 

Darren watches Chris as he moves to grab a pillow and the lube, a hand resting on his shoulder as he momentarily leaves Darren’s field of view. “Hips,” he commands, shoving a pillow under Darren’s lower back to prop him up. He positions Darren’s feet so that they’re resting on the bed, spreading his knees and thighs wide apart. 

Despite Darren’s growing anticipation for what’s coming next, he’s a bit confused. Chris hasn’t made any attempts to get naked, still dressed in his sweatpants and the t-shirt he’d been wearing all day. He hasn’t even taken his glasses off for fuck’s sake. It’s odd, but he trusts Chris and if this is part of his plan, then Darren is certainly willing to go along with it.

“It’s time to start. Ready?”

As soon as Chris gets Darren’s consent by way of another silent nod, he presses a lube slicked finger into him, gently but firmly inching forward until he’s buried knuckle-deep inside. Darren isn’t sure if he’s technically allowed to moan, but he risks it anyway.

Chris makes work of fingering Darren open, gentle and steady as he always does. Normally Darren would tell Chris when he’s ready, but right now he figures he should just wait for Chris to ask him. 

However, the minutes are dragging on and Chris isn’t exactly progressing. Darren is impossibly hard by this point, arousal pumping hot in his veins. He wants to tell Chris to hurry up, to say that he’s ready, to fucking start begging if he has to but he _can’t_. His whole body tenses and he literally has to bite down on his tongue to keep himself from speaking. 

“Shh,” Chris reprimands, apparently having noticed Darren’s whole body going rigid. “Patience, you.”

It’s stern and demanding and Chris has never really spoken to him that way during sex but Darren certainly isn’t complaining because it’s fucking hot as hell. 

Darren’s dick is protesting though, hot and burning against his stomach, mostly untouched. He needs more. In fact, he can’t help but think Chris is actually doing this to him on purpose. Darren thrusts his hips, fucking himself down onto Chris’s fingers and hoping he’ll receive the message.

Immediately, Chris pulls his fingers out and gives Darren’s hip a quick smack. “I said be patient!” Seemingly as an afterthought, he looks up into Darren’s eyes. “Color?”

“Green,” Darren reassures quickly.

“Good.” Chris seems to consider something for a moment before moving to position himself between Darren’s legs, spreading his knees and thighs wide open once again. “You didn’t listen to me though. You know what that means, right?”

Technically the answer is no, that Darren doesn’t really doesn’t know what that means, but he has a feeling he’s about to find out and the anticipation makes his groin burn even hotter with arousal. He thinks he’s expected to answer Chris verbally, but Darren knows that if he were to open his mouth right now the only thing that would come out is a mindless jumble of begging. Instead, he settles for a weak shake of the head.

Chris’s only response is to stick his head between Darren’s knees and deliver a long, warm lick that starts from the center of his ass all the way up to the very base of his balls. It’s pure, sweet and aching torture, but Darren wouldn’t have it any other way. 

From below him, Darren hears Chris speak. “Punishment,” he says, sounding thoughtful. “Now you’re going to have to wait.” Before Darren can even mentally contemplate what he means by that, Chris vigorously begins to eat Darren out, tongue darting in and out of his hole in a way that seems to be less about pleasure and more about opening him up. 

Holy shit, that’s his punishment? Chris is going to try to stretch him out with his tongue, a process that could take much longer than what Darren is willing to wait for right now. But fuck, it does feel good. Really good, just not good enough to come and his dick would really, really like to come right now. Or at least be touched. Why won’t Chris just touch his poor neglected dick, goddamnit?

Amidst his mental turmoil, Darren must have been twisting his body slightly because he’s suddenly aware of Chris’s strong hands gipping his sides and pushing his hips back down onto the bed. Darren whimpers, both in pleasure and in anticipation but this time it doesn’t warrant Chris’s attention. 

Chris continues his ministrations, spreading Darren’s cheeks wider and licking and slurping while Darren’s heartbeat pounds loud and desperate in his ears. It feels like it’s been hours - long, drawn out, torturous hours when Chris finally raises his head and moves to hover over Darren’s body. He presses a quick kiss to his sweaty forehead before gently stroking Darren’s chin and forcing him to look up into his eyes. “It’s okay,” Chris tells him. Darren relaxes.

“Your punishment is over,” Chris whispers firmly. “You’re doing so well, baby. So good for me. I’m going to fuck you now. Can you spread your legs a little bit wider?”

Darren can’t even believe Chris even had to phrase that as a question. He spreads his legs wide, lifting his hips up and hoping with every atom of his being that his body language will communicate to Chris that he’s ready. The temptation to grind himself on Chris’s stomach when it makes contact with his cock is strong, but luckily he knows better than that by now.

Chris, for his part, is certainly not in as much of a rush. He lowers his body closer, his still sweatpant-clad hips just barely pressing against Darren’s cock. The small bit of pressure is nowhere near enough to satisfy the burn of his arousal, but Darren knows it’s better than nothing at all. 

Chris gently wraps his fingers around the back of Darren’s neck and sucks on the space below his earlobe. The warm, wet contact on such a sensitive area of his body is the last straw and Darren’s resolve shatters, his hips frantically humping against where his dick is making contact with Chris. Apparently he’s lost complete control of his own body, because even his mouth has had enough as well. “Please Chris, please fuck me already oh my god please now!”

If Darren hadn’t already immediately regretted disobeying, he certainly does after he notices the dark look Chris gives him. He expects to wait even longer, but what Chris says next surprises him. “Oh, I’ll fuck you alright, don’t you worry about that.”

Chris sits up on his knees, towering over Darren and never breaking their eye contact. He swiftly shoves his boxers and sweatpants down, stepping off the bed and and throwing them into the corner. He walks around the bed, Darren’s eyes now focused on where Chris’s cock hard and jutting out, his silhouette in the dimly lit room a mouth-watering invitation.

“Like what you see?” Chris asks as he removes his shirt. He then grabs his own cock and begins pumping it. Darren nods, squirming around and trying unsuccessfully to roll towards Chris. 

“Good,” Chris muses as he opens their bedside drawer and makes a show of putting on the condom, clearly enjoying the teasing. He then grabs their bottle of lube and makes his way back over onto the bed. When he positions himself between Darren’s legs again however, his hesitates for a moment. “Color?”

“Green,” Darren answers honestly. “Green green green please, fucking green.”

Chris lets out a laugh at that. “Got it.” His expression returns to that of seriousness and then he’s spreading cold lube onto Darren’s hole. 

Chris takes a few minutes to properly prepare Darren with his fingers which Darren knows is the logical solution right now, even though it doesn’t really feel that way. Luckily, Chris doesn’t drag that part out for longer than strictly necessary and then he’s finally lining himself up and sinking into Darren. The burn and the stretch and the feeling of finally being full where he was once empty is such a great relief that Darren almost forgets where he is for a moment, focusing entirely on Chris and what he’s doing for him. For them.

Chris fucks Darren slowly, hips dipping and churning but Darren can’t seem to get the leverage to fuck back while his wrists are tied. All he can do is lay there and take it. At first, the urgency of needing Chris to move faster or harder and not being able to do anything about it is maddening, 

but eventually Darren’s arousal reaches a plateau. The burn of his desperation to come subsides and his body begins to relax, trusting Chris to give him what he needs.

Soon, Darren feels Chris coming inside of him, his tell-tale moans ringing loud and clear yet still somehow far away. 

“Still green, sweetheart?” Darren hears Chris asking through his haze.

“Yes,” Darren answers, his voice sounding distant even to his own ears. “Green.”

“Okay. I’m going to let you come now. How would you like to do that?”

Darren knows he’s in no place to be making decisions right now, and he finds that doesn’t really have any desire to, either. “You choose, please.”

If Chris is taken aback, he doesn’t say a word. He simply takens Darren cock in hand and begins pumping, slowly but surely. After what feels like hours, (and for all Darren knows at this point, it very well could have been) Darren’s orgasm begins to build again. When it finally hits, the aftershocks take every ounce of tension he’d been carrying in his bones along with it. All his stress and worries melt away, and fall, quite literally, into Chris’s hands.

Darren can’t wipe the big, stupid grin from his face as the endorphins flood his bloodstream. He keeps his eyes closed and is only marginally aware of Chris untying his wrists and kissing his forehead with a whispered, “I’ll be right back.” Chris either doesn’t leave the room or took a very short trip to the bathroom because soon he’s running a warm, wet towel over Darren’s skin, taking care to be gentle and clean up any remaining mess.

“Wow,” Darren finally says, once his ability to speak clearly has returned. He opens his eyes and gazes over at Chris.

Chris’s head snaps towards Darren, looking worried. “What? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Darren is quick to placate, despite the fact that he still feels a bit spacey. “It’s just that… it all makes sense now. Everything makes so much more sense.”

“What do you mean?” “All that stuff we read on the internet last week... what was that word they used? A ‘sub’, right? I’m a sub, dude. Like, I’m totally subby as fuck.”

Chris snorts at Darren like he’s just proclaimed that the sky is blue. “I could have told you that. That was kind of the whole point of everything we just did.”

“But it’s not just about the sex, remember?” Darren rolls away from Chris to fish around for his forgotten phone on the floor. “The websites we read earlier said that for some people, it’s more of a personality type that goes hand in hand with their kink.” Finally locating his phone, he goes right to Google and pulls up a few sites he’s had bookmarked. “Yeah! See, look here: ‘ _Some BDSM practitioners tend to prefer roles that fit their personalities.’_ Oh man, my whole life is flashing before my eyes and holy shit does this explain a lot.”

Chris nods quietly for a moment. “You know, come to think of it, that would make sense for me too.” He smiles before adding with a bit of a devious laugh, “I mean, people _have_ been calling me a control freak my entire life.”

Darren pops up in bed excitedly. “See dude?! We were so totally born to do this!” 

Chris laughs harder now, in that endearingly earnest way he only seems to save for private moments like this. “Well, that’s pretty excellent for us, isn’t it? Protégés without even knowing it.”

Darren can’t help but let out a little giggle, rolling over to snuggle his nose into Chris’s neck and pepper it with tiny kisses. He’s suddenly overwhelmed with everything he’s feeling for this man. He’s giddy and excited, but also _reverent_. Reverent because this beautiful, perfect person has let him in, has let them be intimate together in a way that he knows is rare for Chris. In turn, Chris has made Darren feel safe enough to show a vulnerable side of himself that he tends to keep locked away from the world as well.

What they’re currently sharing is sacred and Darren couldn’t imagine wanting to have it with anyone but Chris. He still isn’t sure if he’s ever really been in love before, but right now Darren pretty certain that what he’s feeling for Chris is love.


	7. Chapter 7

The long hours and hard days on set drag on just like they always have, but Chris and Darren’s relationship has never been stronger.

The public doesn’t officially know yet, but Darren has a feeling that many of them are suspicious. Chris, Darren, their managers, and especially their publicists have done a good job of keeping it a secret, but people aren’t blind. When Chris and Darren are expected to be in public together at panels and events, it’s simply beyond their human capabilities to hide what they have. They can’t stop the intimate glances, or the way they feel compelled to touch each other and be close. They can’t wipe the grins off their faces. 

While both Chris and Darren have made it a rule to distance themselves from social media as much as possible, it’s in their job descriptions to at least use it every once in awhile. They’ve seen the posts, the theories, the loosely threaded together hints that they’d thought they’d taken careful steps to hide. It’s exhausting, it can be draining, but it’s easily ignorable with the knowledge that they get to come home to each other at the end of the day.

They haven’t officially moved in together yet, but with their schedules they know they should start seriously considering the possibility. With Kurt and Blaine still being broken up, the filming of season four is taking it’s toll on how often they get to see each other. They’re constantly divided between two sets, so Darren has moved most of his things to Chris’s house and almost always spends his nights and weekends there. The two of them don’t get much time for sex these days either, but they try to make up for it. Darren almost always insists on cooking for Chris. He enjoys the knowledge that he’s making him happy and ensuring his days go smoother. Darren has witnessed firsthand how the stress of filming can take it’s toll on Chris mentally so he makes sure to seize any opportunity to help. If he revels in the praise and reassurance he gets at the end of the meal when Chris is kissing him senseless and telling him how amazing he is, well… then that’s all just part of the deal.

Darren also enjoys doing the cleaning around Chris’s house. By the time they get home from filming, Chris is drained and usually tends to retreat into the bedroom for some writing or much needed alone time, whereas Darren is amped up. Often, it can take hours for him to be able to shut his mind and body down, so burning off that extra energy is a necessity. When Chris is busy and sex isn’t a solution to that issue, Darren chooses to expand his options instead.

The first time Chris catches Darren dusting the living room furniture at twelve am, he doesn’t exactly try to hide the fact that it had thrown him off a bit.

“Dare, what the fuck are you _doing_?”

Darren looks up from his spot on the floor where he’s been meticulously scrubbing the coffee table in front of him. “What? You pretty much let me live here rent-free. This is the least I can do.”

“The things you do to my dick are definitely worth more than a few polished mahogany bookcases. Though I do have to admit they look great.” 

“Knew you were gonna make that joke. Kind of left that door wide open, huh?” Darren snorts. “Wait shit,” he mutters to himself. “I did it again.”

Chris laughs and walks over to sit behind Darren on the couch. “I’m mostly just concerned because I really don’t want you to be any more sleep deprived than you already are, babe.” 

“But I’m not tired! Might as well make myself useful rather than tossing and turning around in bed all night, right?”

“Fair enough, but please come to bed as soon as you feel sleepy, okay?”

This is something that Darren truly cherishes about their relationship. Chris has never forced Darren to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He chooses instead to simply look out for him, and only steps in when it’s obvious he really needs to. 

But sometimes, Darren needs things in ways that he can’t quite communicate without stating them directly. “Maybe it would be easier if I had a set bedtime,” Darren suggests tentatively.

Chris giggles just as Darren knew he would, thinking he’s just made a joke. Darren’s being completely serious though, so he keeps quiet.

Chris takes the hint. “Oh… you were- okay. Is that something you think you’d like?”

“Well… if I knew I had to be in bed by a certain time, I’d make sure to start winding myself down like, an hour before that. That way I’d be ready to go to sleep at a healthy time.”

“Okay,” Chris says immediately. “That’s something I can do for you.” He rubs Darren’s back affectionately before pulling off with a yawn. “We can discuss that later when I’m a little more than thirty-five percent awake.”

Despite his relief that Chris didn’t run away screaming, Darren can’t help but feel surprised by the nonchalant response. “Wait, really? You don’t think I’m a freak or anything? I literally just asked you to give me a bedtime.”

Chris actually looks thrown off for a second. “No? Why would I think you’re a freak? It’s a completely valid request, and I’m willing to do anything that you think would be helpful for you.”

Darren looks up at Chris from his spot on the floor, and he knows can’t hold it back this time. “I love you.”

His heart is hammering as he watches Chris’s face for some kind of change in expression, but it never comes. Their eye contact doesn’t break and Chris simply continues to smile down at him before responding, “I love you, too.”

Feeling his eyes burn, Darren surges up to kiss Chris on the mouth. Chris grabs his face and holds him there, and the two of them kiss deeply.

Darren doesn’t know what he did to deserve this, but holy shit, he is a lucky man.

\--

Darren moans long and loud into his pillow as he hugs it close to his face. Chris is behind him, the slap he’s just delivered to the bare skin of Darren’s ass still ringing loud and clear in the silence of the bedroom. 

“That’s right, good boy,” Chris says and Darren’s heart soars. “You take it so well, so good for me.” Darren has long since reached orgasm, laying in his own mess on the towel Chris had laid out, but he’s happy to allow his ass to be of service to Chris for as long as he needs it.

When Chris finally comes on Darren’s back, he leaves the room. Darren rolls over, feeling a pang of fear that Chris might not return, even though a part of him thinks he should probably know better than that by now.

“Why do you always do that?” Darren asks curiously when Chris reappears. “I mean, you’ve been leaving the room like, immediately after we have sex lately. Don’t you wanna cuddle me?”

“Of course I do, baby.” Chris looks confused. “But the sex we’ve been having lately has been pretty intense. I leave the room to go get something to help clean you up,” he explains, gesturing to the wet washcloth he brought back with him. Chris sits gingerly down on the bed next to Darren, automatically beginning to wipe up the mess that’s currently coating Darren’s lower stomach.

“And besides,” Chris continues after a few beats of silence. “You’ve been going into an interesting sort of… trance during the aforementioned intense sex we’ve been having. I like getting to take care of you and make sure you’re okay. But I do want to ask you, what’s going on with that?”

“Oh my god,” Darren sighs in relief. “I’m so glad you brought this up first, because my explanation of what’s going on would be way less eloquent.” He looks up at Chris in reverence, and the two of them just look at each other for a moment and smile. 

“I don’t really know what it is either, though.” Darren muses. “I mean, I guess I just get so relaxed and happy that you’re the one who’s in control that it’s almost like I just shut down. But in a good way, if that makes any sense. I shut down because I can. I don’t have to be on guard because I know you’ll be there to take care of me no matter what.” Suddenly, Darren is hit with a memory. “Wait. Didn’t the articles have a name for that? I think they called it ‘subspace’, or something.”

“Ah, yes. That’s what I thought.” Chris lays down next to Darren and the two of them automatically reach for each other, their bodies intertwining to cuddle up close. “Well, that’s good to hear, because I like getting to take care of you like this. I like feeling like I can be the one in control. It makes me feel safe, too.”

“Well then... do you think think is something we could also do outside of the bedroom, then?” Darren asks. “I mean, since we both seem to be comfortable in these roles, why not make them officially official?”

Chris hugs Darren closer. “Oh,” he whispers to himself, sounding interested. “You mean like a twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week Dom/sub relationship? I read up on those.” Chris is silent for a moment, and Darren swears he feels Chris going hard against his thigh. “Yes, to answer your question. That’s definitely something I’d like to try.”

“Okay,” Darren whispers, knowing the giddiness he feels is apparent in his voice. “So, you’re my Dom, then?”

“Yeah,” Chris answers softly, pressing his chin into Darren’s hair and holding onto him just a bit tighter. “I am your Dom. And you’re my sub.”

Darren nods, feeling himself start to get emotional. “I love you so much, Chris.”

“I love you too, Darren. I love you so much, too.”


	8. Chapter 8

When Darren first gets the call about Hedwig, he’s beyond thrilled. This has been his dream for as long as he can remember, and he can barely grasp the fact that it’s real. The first person he calls is Chris, and they celebrate with a dinner and of course, several rounds of kinky, kinky sex.

It’s in the afterglow that Darren starts to admit his fears.

“I’m going to have to stay in New York that whole time and I won’t be able to fly back much. I know you can’t come because of work obligations and I also know you hate New York... but you’ll come visit me when you can, right?” 

Chris rolls onto Darren, pressing him down into the bed. “Of course I will, sweetheart. Nothing could keep me away from you.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah. We made a deal, remember? I’ll take care of you and you take care of me. We’re in this thing together, and distance has never gotten in the way of that before.”

“Have you been looking through my song lyrics notebook? Because that’s totally a stolen line from a cheap song I had to scrap.”

“Shut up.”

“I love you, Chris.”

“I love you too, Darren. But I don’t want you want you to waste your energy on worrying about our relationship because we’re gonna be fine. You need to focus on preparing yourself for this role. It’s going to be physically taxing and we need to make sure you’re properly balancing your body with the right nutrition and proper amount of sleep. You saw how much weight Neil Patrick Harris dropped, and he probably even hired a trainer and a nutritionist.”

“Eh, yeah, but his trainer and nutritionist were no Christopher Paul Colfer!” Darren pops his head up to peck Chris on the nose. “Besides, the dude totally wasn’t eating. You know how much I love my cheeseburgers.”

“No, Darren, that’s what I’m talking about. You can’t eat things like that during this run or you’re going to make yourself feel run-down and sick. Starting tonight, we’re putting you on a diet plan. I know they said you’re going to have to lose a bit of weight before April, but I’m going to be here to make sure you do that the healthy way, okay? You barely have any to lose in the first place...”

Darren feels a huge pressure that he didn’t even know had been there being lifted. “Okay.” 

“Good. Now, is there anything else you want to talk about before I eat your ass out one last time?”

“Again? Chris, you’re spoiling me!”

“All in the name of inspiration for the role, of course.” The two of them share a knowing laugh. Darren has showed Chris the old Hedwig movie at least three times now, and has even forced him to watch bootlegs of every previous Hedwig’s performances in the current revival. Chris knows how vulgar it can be, which has served well in proving just how perfect for the role Darren is. “But seriously, is there anything else on your mind?” Chris asks.

Darren hesitates, but knows he has to be honest with Chris. “...Are you gonna leave me? You know, if things gets too tough?”

Chris furrows his eyebrows. “Never, baby. Never.” He reaches down for a soft, tender kiss on the lips. “I’m here with you for the long haul. I promise.”

That’s all that Darren needed to hear. “Sweet. Now, commence ass eating in three, t-”

Darren is cut off by the moan that escapes his mouth when Chris takes it upon himself to do just that.

\--

The first week of the Hedwig run turns out to be everything Darren dreamed of and more. Darren has loved the movie version of Hedwig’s story since he was small child. The Broadway revival itself had been nothing short of a miracle in his eyes, but the fact that he’s being allowed on a Broadway stage to portray this incredibly important and complex character is almost completely beyond his comprehension.

But it’s also gruelingly exhausting, and Darren hadn’t really expected that.

“Can’t you just come for one weekend, please? Even just one night? I need you to here. Please, Chris,” Darren begs desperately. Chris has always been able to take hints from his begging before, both in and outside of the bedroom, so hopefully this time will be no different.

There’s silence on the phone until finally, “Darren, we talked about this.” There’s an edge to Chris’s voice that’s unfamiliar to Darren, and he doesn’t like it one bit. “You told me that you understood that I have work obligations here. I thought you said you were going to be okay with that.”

“But you also said you were going to come visit when you could!”

“When I _could_ Darren, and I _can’t_ right now,” Chris snaps. “We have a plan for me to come visit at the end of May. What’s going on that you can’t wait until then?!”

Irrational anger swells up inside of Darren; he’s never been good at communicating his feelings, and Chris knows this about him. He doesn’t like that he’s feeling forced to talk about them now, especially not in the middle of what seems to be turning into a fight. And besides, Chris has never even really needed to ask what’s wrong when Darren gets in this kind of headspace. Chris has always just known what to do.

Maybe the distance really is doing something to them.

“I gotta go,” Darren says tersely before hanging up. He ignores Chris’s immediate call back and flops down into bed, quickly giving into the tears that have been burning behind his eyes all day.

\--

For the next few days, Chris and Darren don’t talk at all.

Darren should be upset - and deep down he knows that he is - but he also feels somewhat liberated.

It’s nice not to get texts at one a.m. asking him if he’s asleep yet when all he really wants to do is go hang out at the bar with his friends. It’s nice not to have to send snapchats of the meals he’s eating in order to prove to Chris that he’s sticking to their diet plan. When he eats a cheeseburger for lunch one day, he feels wonderfully guilt-free. 

It’s just... nice. And it’s starting to make Darren wonder. 

The core of him misses Chris deeply. But Chris isn’t here, and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be. He’s been giving Darren the silent treatment while they’re in a long distance relationship for fuck’s sake. There has to be some kind of unwritten rule about that, right?

Darren goes out clubbing on a Friday night; a night in which Chris has always forbidden partying since it’s right before Saturday, when Darren has two shows to perform. He knows he’s going to be hungover when he wakes up of course, but right now he doesn’t have to feel like he’s disappointing Chris since they’re not talking and that’s all he really cares about. 

He just wants to let loose for a while, that’s all.

And let loose he does. He winds up getting so drunk that he barely remembers leaving the club. One minute he’s downing shots of patron with crew members from the Balasco and the next, he’s walking back to his apartment on foot while angrily dialing Chris’s number.

“Hello?” Chris answers, the tone and gravelly quality of his voice is an immediate indicator that he’s just been woken up.

“I’m lost. I’m fucking walking back to my apartment from the club and I have no idea where I am right now.” The lie just pours out of his mouth and Darren isn’t exactly sure where it had come from, but a tiny part of his brain knows he’s testing Chris to see how he’ll react.

“Are you drunk right now, Darren?” Yeah, okay. That was exactly the wrong response.

“So what if I am?” Darren hears himself slur. “I’m a fucking adult and I can do whatever I want!” He feels terrible for every word that comes out of his mouth, but he can’t help himself. “I’m lost right now and all alone and you don’t even _care_.”

“Okay, first of all,” Chris starts, sounding more awake. “You just said it yourself: you’re an adult. You’re perfectly capable of getting in a taxi and finding your own way home. Not only that, but you’ve told me a million times you know New York like the back of your hand. So then, why are you lying to me?”

Darren feels himself start to tear up, the words cutting deeply even though they probably shouldn’t. All he wanted was for Chris to comfort him, but he’s just proven that he’s not even capable of doing that much. “Fuck you, Chris.”

“No, fuck you, Darren!” Chris practically shouts into the phone. “You promised me you wouldn’t go out on Friday nights and here you are. Not only did you lie to me about that, but now you’re randomly making up lies about being lost? If you’re looking for my attention this is the wrong way to get it.”

The comment hits way too close to home. “You’re being an asshole, Chris.”

“No, Darren. You are.”

He’s right. But still, “Then why are you even with me?”

“You know what, right now I’m starting to wonder the same exact same thing.”

It’s the last straw. The tears come pouring down his cheeks but for once, Darren has no intention of letting Chris know that. “Bye, Chris. Nice knowing you.”

He hangs up before he can even hear Chris’s reaction.

\--

The next day Darren wakes up feeling horrible, both physically and mentally. 

His memory of the conversation he had last night with Chris is fuzzy, but one thing is clear in his mind: he was wrong. Very, very wrong. The emotions behind his words were real, but he shouldn’t have expressed them in the way he did. He knows that at the very least he owes Chris a huge apology.

Darren starts tapping away on his phone, knowing he’s better off texting Chris since he’ll be able to proofread what he’s saying and make sure it’s exactly the message he wants to get across.

 **Darren:** Listen, I’m sorry for what I said last night. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that and it was wrong. But Chris, I’ve just been feeling really disconnected from you, and I’m not sure that’s something we can fix right now

 **Chris:** Okay, I’m sorry for what I said too, but you shouldn’t have lied to me Darren. I guess I’m just really confused. We made agreements before you left and I thought we were both on the same page. If you were upset with me, why didn’t you just come talk to me about it?

 _Good question_ , Darren thinks. He hesitates for a moment before composing his reply.

 **Darren:** I don’t have TIME to talk, Chris. That’s the thing. I’m too busy for a relationship right now and so are you. Our relationship was perfect until we had to do it long-distance. I think it’d be best for the both of us if we just took a break from each other now, before the bitterness ruins everything we have. We can pick up right where we left off in July when I come home.

Chris takes about five minutes to even begin typing, but when the reply finally comes it’s much more pragmatic than what Darren expected.

 **Chris:** I guess you’re right. Maybe this just isn’t a good time for us. I can wait for you if you’ll do the same for me.

 **Darren:** Of course I will. I love you.

 **Chris:** I love you, too.

Darren thought he would feel better after that conversation, but now he just feels ten times worse. He takes a long shower and winds up practically breaking down the bathroom door to get to his phone when he hears it ping with a text. To overwhelming disappointment he finds that it’s not Chris saying he’s changed his mind. Instead, it’s one of his old buddies that live in the area, inviting him to come hang out at a bar after his show tonight.

Darren quickly types out an acceptance to the invitation, because why not? He doesn’t have much to lose now.


	9. Chapter 9

New York is one of the (many) places that Darren can say he’s always felt at home, and he couldn’t have asked for a better time to be right in the middle of it all.

When he wakes up to the official word that gay marriage has been legalized across the United States, the first thing he does is leave his apartment to go soak it all in. He walks around the city, feeling energized by the smiling, excited faces and rainbow flags adorning almost every business window. He takes pictures of the sidewalk chalkboards that proclaim “#LoveWins!” and texts every person he can think of to share the incredible news with.

He even texts Chris; it’s a short conversation, but they both agree they’re equally excited and promise to talk about it again later.

Darren winds up at one of his favorite gay bars: The Stonewall Inn. It’s a historic landmark in New York City and what better place to visit it on a historic day like this? He knows a few people there. Andrew and Jordan have been his good friends for a long time. They take selfies and buy each other several rounds of beer, Darren giddy with the floaty feeling that tipsiness always seems to bring.

“So how’s the love life going these days?” Jordan asks him conversationally over the din of the bar.

Darren considers being honest for a moment. Then again, he hasn’t really been honest with most people about his love life in a long, long time. “Single and loving it.”

“Really?” Jordan looks surprised, but doesn’t press for details. “Well then, maybe you should go talk to my friend over there.” There’s a laugh in his voice, but his expression is serious. “He’s going through a bit of a dry spell at the moment.” 

Darren follows his gaze across the bar to a tall, dark haired man. He sticks out in the crowd, not only due to his height, but also because of the fact that he’s fucking gorgeous. Lean but muscled, his beautifully sculpted biceps on obvious display in the white tank top he’s wearing. He has to be at least six foot three, and the scruffy beard covering his face does nothing to hide his wide, pleasant smile as he laughs with the group of people he’s talking to.

He’s aesthetics are textbook beautiful, and every feature couldn’t remind him less of Chris if they tried. “You should introduce me.”

Thirty minutes later has Darren moaning in the stall of one of the bar’s private bathrooms. His heart beats rabbit-fast as the man - Kodey with a “K” as he’s learned - pins him to the door and cups his aching crotch with a large palm. Kodey leans down to kiss Darren hard on the mouth, whispering enticingly about all the dirty things he would like to do to him if they had more time. 

It’s everything that Darren hadn’t known he been craving and more.

It isn’t long before he realizes his whole body is so relaxed against the door that his knees are buckling under his own weight. There’s a moment where he fears he might collapse because his body can’t seem to remember how to keep itself himself upright, but Kodey grabs his waist and catches him before that happens.

It all ends with him coming in his boxers after sucking Kodey off. Before Darren knows it, Kodey is leaving the bathroom with a pat on the shoulder and he’s left alone with nothing but a saved number in his iPhone and a vague sense of satisfaction. 

He wants to do it again.

He texts Kodey later that night, while the excitement of interacting with his fans at stage door is still jittering in his bones. Additionally, he recently found out that he and Rebecca have been invited to appear on one of the NYC Pride parade’s floats on Sunday, and he’s been excitedly sharing the news with anyone that will listen. Maybe Kodey will even want to come watch? He couldn’t imagine a gay man not wanting to come to Pride, especially this one. 

He snuggles into his bed after a somewhat lengthy conversation with Kodey on a high, feeling like new life has been breathed into his soul. 

Maybe taking a break from Chris really was the best thing for him after all.

\--

Darren sighs as he slips into the tub, the open cuts adorning his legs stinging harshly as they make contact with the water.

He’s had a rough day. 

He woke up this morning to seven missed calls from his manager, Ricky. Apparently Darren had overslept and missed a breakfast meeting that Ricky had set up with an agent to talk about potential album ideas. It was completely unprofessional as well as humiliating, and Darren made sure to call the agent himself to reschedule while apologizing profusely, but… it probably would have helped if Darren had known about the meeting in the first place.

Nevertheless the day went on, and things only seemed to get more frustrating from there. Little things like simple blocking changes in the show or production assistants giving him unnecessary attitude had been building up and grating on his nerves even more so than they usually would. Not to mention he’d just desperately attempted to appease about a hundred eager fans at the stage door, all of them wanting so much more from him than what he’s mentally or physically capable of providing right now.

It was just... a lot.

Darren’s torn from his thoughts by the ping of a text. He rolls his eyes, regretting even bringing it into the bathroom while trying to relax, but finds himself pleasantly surprised when he sees Chris’s contact name on the screen instead of Ricky’s or someone as equally as annoying. 

Darren quickly opens the message, and before he knows it a smile is lighting up entire face. It’s a picture of Chris’s dog, Cooper, sitting by the front door and looking up at the camera pathetically. The text that Chris has sent along with the picture reads: “Somebody misses their nocturnal walking partner. He knows I’m too much of an old lady to go out at this time of night.”

Darren feels his eyes burn with the memories that Chris’s text has suddenly brought to the forefront of his mind. He used to volunteer to take Cooper out for walks on the nights he’d spend at Chris’s place. After a long night of cuddling or fooling around, it was sometimes nice to be able to just get out for a little while and stretch his legs. The walks never lasted very long, however, since the only thing that leaving Chris ever seemed to do was make Darren want to get back to him that much quicker.

Okay, Darren definitely hadn’t realized that he was crying, but the tear that just rolled down his cheek was a definite indicator of that. He must miss Cooper a lot more than he realized. 

Darren flicks open his camera app and aims the viewfinder at his battered legs. He sends the picture to Chris with the caption: “Don’t think I’d much help in the walking department right now anyways. Or at least, I wouldn’t look as pretty doing it as I usually do.”

Within two minutes, there’s a call coming through to his phone.

“What happened to you?” Chris demands down the line. His tone isn’t angry, just stern and laced with the obvious undercurrents of concern. It’s something that Darren can’t help but relinquish to, not that he even wanted to try resisting it in the first place.

“All that jumping around on stage is starting to take it’s toll,” Darren tells Chris, knowing the whine in his voice is obvious. “It really hurts.”

“Shh, it’s alright,” Chris reassures him. “Just make sure you clean out the cuts with some soap and warm water… and then when you’re done with your bath, you should probably put neosporin and bandaids on them as well.”

Ever so slightly, the tension in Darren’s body begin to unravel. “Okay.”

“You sound upset. Is there anything bothering you, honey?” 

The pet name is what winds up triggering Darren into a breakdown. He bursts into tears and vents to Chris for the next half hour about all the things he hasn’t been able to talk about with anyone else. Relationship or not, Chris knows Darren more intimately than anyone, and therefore knows all the right things to say help calm him down. 

“...First of all, the breakfast thing wasn’t your fault. It was Ricky’s responsibility to tell you about the meeting, and the fact that he didn’t even think to mention it to you until the morning of is not only unprofessional, but it’s also downright rude. I can’t say I’m surprised, though. This isn’t the first time he’s fucked you over and it probably won’t be the last....” 

In his heart, Darren already knew everything that Chris is telling him, but hearing it out loud is validating in exactly the way he needed.

“...You’re only human, Darren. The fans will understand if you can’t take selfies with each and every one of them or sign every little thing that they manage to shove in your face. You show up. You’re out there every single night without fail, and that’s more than so many famous Broadway stars can say for themselves. So don’t worry about that too much, okay?”

The water in Darren’s bath is cold by the time Chris has finished reassuring him, but Darren is more relaxed now than he has been all day.

“See, Chris? This is all I wanted all along.” Darren muses absently a little while later when he’s dry and warm in his bed. “A little comforting can really go a long way.” 

“Wait, I’m confused. What do you mean ‘all along’?” Chris pauses, but Darren is really in no hurry to answer that. 

“Oh,” Chris says after a moment. “Are you talking about when we were… together?”

“Yeah,” Darren admits sheepishly. “Sometimes I get like this. I’ve just had a really long, tough day and hearing you say those things to me… it helped. A lot.”

“Okay, I can totally understand that. But Darren, how am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?”

Logically, he knows Chris is right, but the question still throws Darren off because he’s never really thought of it that way. “Well, you’ve always just _known_ before.”

Chris’s voice takes on that soft, cooing quality that Darren’s a sucker for. “But I can’t always know everything, bab- erm. Darren.” Chris awkwardly clears his throat. If Darren wasn’t currently hanging on Chris’s every word, he totally would have teased him about his second usage of a pet name in a single phone conversation. “I’m not a mind reader,” Chris continues. “There are some things you just have to tell me.”

“You know I’m not good at that, though.”

“I know, but you can get better. I believe in you.”

Darren laughs a little. “You’re right. I’m just sorry I hadn’t realized that before.”

The sudden silence between the two of them is thick. “Well, it’s getting late.” Chris finally says. “I should probably be getting to bed.”

“Yeah, same here.” Darren agrees quickly, feeling his stomach drop a bit. “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Okay. Have a good evening, Darren.”

“You too, Chris. Bye.”

“Bye.”


	10. Chapter 10

“I don’t know man, this is something I’m going to have to put a little more thought into first, I think.”

“What’s there to think about? It’s an incredible opportunity. Think of the press! ‘Darren Criss: real-life Star of Stage and Screen.’ The fans’ll eat it up.”

Darren huffs. Ricky has just called to let him know that he’s wanted for the starring role in an Italian independent film. Darren loves Italy and in any other situation he would jump at the chance to spend time there, but apparently Darren would have to jump right on a flight mere hours after his last performance of Hedwig. 

Not only does the thought seem exhausting, but Darren thinks if were getting on any flight right after he finished his Broadway run, it would have been headed straight back to LA.

Straight back to Chris.

“I don’t like the hesitation in your voice, Darren. You need to do this. It’ll be great for the media attention and keeping your name in the headlines. I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist.”

Darren’s heart sinks. Ricky isn’t really giving him much of a choice here, and Darren has always trusted him to know what’s best before, even despite the opinions Chris had voiced in the past. Besides, Ricky has gotten him this far, right?

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

A small voice in the back of his mind tells him he’s making the wrong decision, and Darren has a strong feeling that he knows who it belongs to. Then again, he hasn’t heard that voice speak to him in person in a long, long time.

“Good for you Darren. I know you’ll do great.”

Darren finds himself inexplicably calmed. “Thanks.” 

\--

The closing of Hedwig had been emotional rollercoaster, to say the least. As predicted, Darren is beyond exhausted, immediately falling asleep at the airport even though they made it through security with only ten minutes to spare. He has less luck on the flight, drifting in and out of consciousness between stressful bouts of furiously attempting to memorize his lines. He’s usually good at last minute cramming like this; god knows he’d done it enough during his Glee days, but the anxiety of not really knowing what to expect when he gets Italy is grating on his nerves heavily.

He’s a mess by the time they land, further compounded by the gaggle of eager fans that have been waiting to see him. All he wants to do is get to his hotel to sleep, and the thought of stopping to sign autographs or take pictures and answer questions makes him want to collapse right there on the sidewalk. The guilt weighs thicks, but for the first time in years he has to turn his fans down. He simply smiles, waves, and tells them how tired he is, hoping it’ll be enough, but knowing in his heart that it probably isn’t.

Darren can’t sleep when he gets to his room. He tosses and turns in bed, all of the stressors of the past few days finally catching up with his exhausted mind. He texts a few friends from New York, including Kodey. The two of them had remained acquaintances but definitely did not pursue the kind of intimate relationship Darren had been hoping for, so their conversation falls flat. 

There’s only one person Darren can think of to talk this out with.

When Chris doesn’t pick up on the fifth ring, Darren hangs up and texts him instead. “ _Hey. I just really need to talk to you right now about some stuff. Call me when you can? <3_” The promise of hearing from Chris is enough to calm him down significantly, and he manages to drift into a restless sleep.

The ping of his phone jolts him awake. Darren scrambles for his phone, but he almost drops it when he sees Chris’s reply. A simple “No.”

At first Darren think it’s a joke, but when he replies with “ _Very funny_ ” and doesn’t get a response, the panic is enough to have him calling Chris immediately.

“What, Darren?” Chris picks up right away, but his voice is monotone and Darren recognizes it easily. Chris is pissed, and logic can only conclude that Chris is pissed at _him_. Great.

“What did I do?” he asks, not caring that his voice has come out worried and shaky.

Chris sighs, and there’s silence down the line. “It’s more like what you didn’t do, Darren.”

Fuck. Darren knew this conversation was coming; the news that he’d taken the movie deal is sure to be all over the tabloids by now. He’d meant to tell Chris about it personally beforehand, but couldn’t deny to himself that he’d been putting it off, knowing he would react this way. “Look, I’m sorry. It was super last minute, but I’ll be back in LA in a few weeks, I promise.”

“How am I supposed to believe that, Darren? That’s what you told me months ago when you first left to go to New York. You’re always changing your plans.”

Darren can’t help but think that Chris isn’t just talking about their current situation. Darren scrambles for a response and blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. “Yeah, well. You told me you’d visit me in New York and that never happened either!” In his heart, he knows Chris is right. 

“Because we broke up! And why are you even bringing that up right now? It’s completely irrelevant. The bottom line here is that you chose some dumb movie role over your relationship with me, and it fucking _hurts_.” Chris’s voice breaks at the end of his sentence, and hearing him get choked up like that triggers the same response in Darren. 

“I’m sorry,” Darren whimpers, not really knowing what else to say.

“It’s too late for sorry, Darren. You’ve made your priorities clear. Have a great time in Italy.” 

And with that, Chris hangs up.

\--

Italy has always been somewhere Darren could go to escape, but this time it seems like somewhere that everything has managed to catch up with him.

He knows that Chris is right. Darren can’t be mad or upset with him because Chris is totally, unequivocally right. Darren had been a shitty boyfriend when he was in New York; he should have talked to Chris more, should have communicated to him how he was feeling. The problem back then was that Darren himself hadn’t even known what he was feeling, or how to deal with it like an adult. 

That’s changed now, though. Darren knows that he needs Chris, in every way that someone could need another person. He needs his comfort, his praise, his unconditional love and support. Just because they were physically separated back then, that didn’t mean that all of that wasn’t still there, he’s only had to ask for it.

Except that now, in this moment, it’s gone. Darren fucked up what they had, and he couldn’t blame Chris for a second for not wanting it back. Who would want such a shitty boyfriend? Actually, who would want such a shitty friend?

Darren spends most of the time that he’s not filming trying unsuccessfully to peel himself out of bed. He manages to go to the pool a few times, and even takes a walk through places he frequented when he was attending his study-abroad program in college. None of it holds the same appeal for him, though. The only thing he really wants to do is isolate himself in the hotel room and sleep for a really, really long time, but he can’t even do that when he tries. 

Most days he just winds up settling for methodically fiddling with his guitar in his darkened room, stewing over things that he knows he’ll never be able to change. 

When filming wraps, he finds himself unusually relieved. He’s anxious to get back to Los Angeles even though there really isn’t much waiting for him there, but he thinks that at least the familiarity of the city will help.

The months drag on, highlighted only by a few projects that Darren had been focusing all of attention on. The planning for Elsie Fest was touch and go for a while, but Darren trusted Ricky to do his job well and it winds up going off (mostly) without a hitch. Being able to perform with some of Broadway’s best in addition to his friends from Starkid leaves him with such a high that he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to come down from it.

Except he does, because when he isn’t performing all he has are his thoughts. In fact, Darren realizes, that’s probably a huge factor as to why performing has always held such a strong appeal for him.

Then winter rolls around, and Darren is asked to perform at Carnegie Hall. 

He tries to keep the tears out of his voice when he calls his mother, who is just as excited for all of the same reasons he is. She makes him promise that he won’t follow in her footsteps and wind up getting too nervous to perform. Darren rolls his eyes and promises her, even though they both know that following in her footsteps is all Darren has ever really wanted to do. 

He says he just wants to make her proud. She tells him that he already has.


	11. Chapter 11

Alan Cumming is a good friend.

He’s also somewhat of a mentor for Darren; he’s older and more successful, and has always offered good advice on how best to navigate the world of performing in Broadway theater as well as the filming industry. Additionally, Darren appreciates Alan’s openness about his sexuality; there aren’t many Out bisexual men in the media, and it’s refreshing to see someone speak about liking both men and women without trying to justify it immediately afterwards.

It doesn’t happen often, but Darren is nervous as hell before his performance. For some reason, it feels like there’s a lot riding on this night in particular. His mother, father and brother are here, and if he’s being honest with himself, he wants to impress Alan. Wants to show him what he’s capable of.

He paces back and forth in his dressing room, fidgets with his cufflinks, redoes his tie for the fifth time that night. His heart is beating too fast and he feels ready to jump out of his skin, but then Alan comes in to wish him luck. A pat on the shoulder, a friendly smile and kind word, and Darren is left buzzing. He’s definitely not nervous anymore.

The performance goes smoothly enough, but Darren can’t pretend he isn’t distracted. After his performance on the piano, Alan comes over to him while they’re both still on stage. He’s absolutely beaming. He ruffles Darren’s hair and tells him he’s done a good job and Darren feels like he’s shining from the inside out. When they walk off the stage together a little while later, Darren prays he isn’t imagining the heated look Alan shoots him as they accidentally brush against each other.

Darren watches eagerly backstage as Alan finishes the show, marveling at his strong vocals and quick wit. After Darren’s brought out for his final curtain call, he waits for Alan to be free of the crowd of people surrounding him backstage so he can thank him personally and tell him just how amazing he is. 

And Darren does. He absolutely gushes, looking up at Alan with what he knows to be his best doe eyes. Darren places a hand on Alan’s right shoulder, hoping it will convey his sincerity but also hoping it will convey another message entirely.

Alan smiles down at him. “You’re too much, you saucy little thing, you.”

Darren practically melts. “Back at you, man,” he murmurs while purposefully eyeing Alan’s lips.

“Why don’t you go wait for me in my dressing room? There’s something I’ve been meaning to show you.”

Darren doesn’t need to be asked twice. Five minutes later has him anxiously fidgeting on a dressing room couch and praying that he didn’t misread the signals. His fears are instantly put to rest however, when Alan enters the room and walks right towards him with an unmistakable air of determination.

Alan stands over Darren, gently running long fingers through barely-styled curls. Darren whimpers and gasps audibly when his hair is suddenly gripped, forcing his head to tip backwards. Heat stirs hot in his belly and he stares up at Alan, pouting his lips and begging for it in the best way he knows how.

Alan is quick to react. He rests one knee on the couch and leans into Darren before kissing him fiercely. Darren melts against the couch, the warm weight of another body on top of his own grounding him and allowing the tension and anxiety from earlier to slowly ease out. 

“You did such a good job tonight, Darren.” Allan mumbles, the sincerity obvious in his voice despite the fact that he’s switching between talking and sticking his tongue down Darren’s throat. “Your singing and piano talent is exceptional, not to mention you’re good-looking to boot. You’re going to go so far in this business, I can tell.”

Pride swells furiously in Darren’s chest, his cheeks burning with a mixture of arousal and a bit of humility as well. He was so sure he’d given a mediocre performance, but Alan’s opinion is one he holds to high standards. Coming from him, this compliment means the world.

Darren doesn’t even realize he’s hard until he feels Alan brush against his cock when he pulls his knee back. Darren is hanging on Alan’s every move and watches intensely as he stands up only to sit back down on the couch next to him. Alan smiles over at Darren and pats his thigh, holding his arms out. “Come here.”

Darren is slightly embarrassed by how quickly he crawls over and settles himself into Alan’s lap, staring intensely into his eyes and waiting. 

“Show me what else you can do with those fingers, love.”

 

Darren nods, kneeling on the floor between Alan and unbuttoning his pants. He doesn’t even have to think about what’s he doing, acting largely on autopilot. Alan is hard, he can see the outline of his cock through the briefs he’s wearing. Darren’s mouth waters, and he quickly pulls it out, wasting no time before sinking his head down and giving it a long, hard suck. 

 

Darren works methodically, losing himself in the feel of the smooth cock in his mouth and the honor of being allowed to please Alan in this way. His soft moans and gentle encouragements egg Darren on, and he soon Alan is warning him that he’s close. Darren relaxes his throat and waits.

After he’s properly managed to not to choke himself, Darren leans back and looks up questioningly and quietly at Alan, praying that he’ll be told what he needs to hear.

Alan leans out and pets through Darren’s hair again, sending him a sweet smile. “Excellent job,” he says, and Darren almost collapses to the floor in relief.

—

The experience with Alan left such a lasting impression on Darren that he finds himself wanting it over and over again.

Unfortunately, Alan is a busy man with places to go and things to do and the last thing Darren would want to is to keep him from those things. 

But that doesn’t mean that Darren doesn’t have other options.

Darren has always prided himself on his ability to charm people. While he’s never used this power for evil or manipulative purposes, he certainly has an acute awareness that he can often get exactly what he wants just by smiling. If his personality is something he can use to his advantage, then why not make the most of it?

There seems to be a man that catches Darren’s eye at almost every event he attends. Someone older, wiser, more successful - qualities that Darren has always admired. The fact that they’re usually twice his size doesn’t hurt, either. Flirtation and banter is as far as it goes for the most part, until one night it doesn’t.

It had started out like any other night - Darren dressed in a suit and tie with a scotch in hand, mingling with girls and guys alike. He’d known Joe would be at this party tonight, but it took a while for him to make his way over to Darren. They’ve been friends for a long time, but tonight the two of them are drunk and sloppy and somehow they wind up back at Joe’s hotel.

They fuck. It’s quick and clinical and Joe falls asleep almost immediately afterwards. Darren takes an Uber back to his place and spends the rest of the next day trying to figure out what happened and why he feels so empty. 

He ignores the three frantic texts from Ricky and gives Alan a call. Darren hopes he’s given him enough time and space because he really, really needs to talk to someone right now.

Alan picks up on the third ring. “Hey Darren!” he greets in his usual cheerful way.

“Can you come over?” Darren blurts out. “I’m at my place in LA and I’d really love to see you right now.”

There’s a protracted, awkward pause on the other end of the line and Darren’s first instinct is to fill it. “I’m sorry-” he starts, but Alan cuts him off.

“Listen, Darren. We had a lot of fun that night, but we both know what you’re really doing here.”

Thrown off, Darren sputters for a moment. “Huh?” he asks with that infamous eloquence of his.

“You and Chris were a thing. I know that because of the way you’ve talked about him during the conversations we’ve had. Am I wrong?”

Darren feels his face heat up in embarrassment. He’s always thought he’d been doing a good job of keeping the relationship he had with Chris a secret, but even he knows he couldn’t always help the way his entire face would light up when talking about him. Darren has watched his own interviews, and isn’t blind to the way he used to smile and blabber on when someone would so much as mention his name. Chris had affectionately chastised him about it in the past, reminding him he needed to be more subtle, but always admitted afterwards that he felt secretly flattered by it.

“You’re… not.” Darren answers with hesitancy. He trusts Alan not to say anything to anyone, but he really isn’t sure where the question is leading.

“What, may I ask then, happened?”

From there, Darren winds up spilling his guts. Everything he’d been holding in for the past few months about his fears and issues with his relationship with Chris come tumbling out. Partly because he knows Alan is in a good position to be able to empathize, and partly because he hasn’t really had anyone else to talk to about it.

“I was just… lonely, or scared or something. I don’t know. I felt like he didn’t care about me anymore and I didn’t know how to tell him that.”

“Well, what’s stopping you from telling him now?”

“He hates me. He thinks I chose Italy over him… and I guess I technically I did. But I had to, it was the best thing at the time for my career.”

“Darren. Everything you’re telling me right now? You have to tell Chris. Even if he doesn’t understand, even if he won’t listen. You need to tell him. If for no one else other than yourself because you’ll feel better once you get it all off your chest.”

“That sounds great on paper, man. But the thought of actually doing it is terrifying.”

“It’s terrifying because you still care, Darren. And Chris is mad at you because he still cares, too. That’s what’s important here.”

Darren nods, feeling a small pit of hope bloom in his chest. Maybe Alan is right. If Chris still cares about him… maybe he still even loves him, too. Maybe they can actually fix this. Together.

“Thanks, Alan. I think I’m gonna talk to him.”

“Good. And after that, no more booty calls. I know there’s no way I’m anything special compared to The Great Chris Colfer, after the way you’ve talked him up.”

Darren blushes but smiles wide despite himself. “You’re pretty great, but you’re definitely no Chris Colfer.”

“That’s what I thought.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Darren:** Hey, are you around? It takes Chris an entire anxiety-inducing forty-two minutes to respond, but eventually he does.

**Chris:** Why?

**Darren:** Can I come over if you’re at home? I want to talk

**Chris:** About what? There’s nothing to say.

**Darren:** Please? I just want to get a few things off my chest 

**Chris:** Fine. I’ll be at home tonight around 6.

**Darren:** Ok, I’ll be there

Darren shows up to Chris’s house at five fifty-three. When Chris answers the door, he’s as gorgeous as ever, but his eyes don’t light up the way they used to when they meet Darren’s. “Hey. Nice to see you,” Darren greets with a smile.

Chris’s lips form a tight line. “You too.” An awkward pause, and then, “Wanna come in?”

Darren nods, and he follows Chris over to the couch where they’d spent many a night. The memories flood Darren’s consciousness for a moment, but he forces himself to refocus on the task at hand.

Darren plops down on the couch and looks up expectantly at Chris. Chris doesn’t make eye contact though, choosing instead to simply fold his arms across his chest and sit down tentatively. When he finally does look over at Darren, there isn’t a trace of friendliness anywhere in his expression. “So, what’s this about?”

Darren hadn’t previously thought through what he wanted to say to Chris, but he knows the truth has always been his best bet. “I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to apologize… for everything. For the way I acted it.” Before he can finish his thought, Chris cuts him off. 

“You broke up with me through a text message, Darren.”

Defensiveness rises up in Darren. “I wasn’t breaking up with you. I was asking you to wait for me.”

“Yeah, you asked me to wait and I did, Darren. I waited, but you told me we could pick up where we left off when you came home in July. You took the movie deal without even talking to me about it first. How was that supposed to make me feel?” When Chris finally makes prolonged eye contact with Darren, they’re glassy with tears. “You said you felt like I didn’t care about you, but it certainly felt like you didn’t care about me, either.”

Darren’s heart aches with guilt. “I’m so, so sorry, Chris. I never wanted to make you feel like that because I do care. I care so much. I love you.” Darren swallows, feeling himself get choked up. “I just didn’t know how to show you that.” 

Darren pauses to takes a breath, but it only serves to upset him more as his thoughts and emotions overwhelm him. “I just. I have so many people telling me what to do, Chris. My publicist, my manager, the fans... there’s just so many people and I don’t know who I’m supposed to listen to.” He sniffles. “I need you, and not just because you were my Dom, but because you knew _me_. You always knew what was best for me.”

Before Darren can stop himself, he tentatively gets up off the couch and on the floor in front of Chris. He grabs both of Chris’s knees and bows his head, heart hammering as he waits for Chris to respond.

Chris sighs, but soon he leans forward and starts petting through Darren’s hair. There’s a long pause that might last for seconds or maybe minutes, Darren can’t really be sure. All he knows for certain is that Chris’s touch feels like cascading rain after months spent spent in a dry and thankless desert.

“Darren, first and foremost, you need to listen to yourself, okay?” Chris stops his ministrations to squeeze Darren’s shoulder, prompting him to look up. “As cliche as it may sound, you need to start listening to your heart. There are some decisions that can only be left up to you and you alone. I was your Dom, but that doesn’t mean I can make all your choices for you, especially not when it comes to your career. I guess we should have talked more about where to draw the line with that stuff, huh?”

“I guess. But I also should have talked to you more in _general_.” Darren hides his face against Chris’s thigh. I should have communicated to you how I was feeling. I really screwed this up big time.”

“Yeah, you did.” There’s a laugh in Chris’s voice. “But I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean I wouldn’t let you have another chance to not screw it up a second time.”

Darren looks up, hope blooming in his chest. “That doesn’t make any sense, Chris.”

“Yes it does, you’re just not a literary genius like I am.” Darren finds himself smiling because despite his teasing, he has an idea he knows exactly what Chris means.

“So…” Darren starts, putting a hand over Chris’s where it still rests on his shoulder. “You’re saying we can try this again?”

“Yeah, we can.” Chris is beaming, showing that smile that Darren feels like he’s lived his whole life to put on his face. 

Naturally, he can’t help but cover it up with his own mouth.

They kiss, and it feels like coming home.

“I want to make one thing clear, though.” Chris says as he pulls away for a moment. “We need to make sure we start learning how to better communicate with each other. We’re going to have to set up better rules and boundaries. We’re really going to have to talk more before we jump back into this kind of relationship.”

“Okay,” Darren agrees. Chris is right, but he can’t help but feel distracted by something else at the moment. “Can we just communicate with our dicks for now, though?”

Darren is nervous that the joke is going to piss Chris off, but it doesn’t. Chris starts giggling madly, and then they’re kissing in between fits of laughter and Chris is on top of Darren on the couch and it’s like nothing had ever been broken between them at all.

And maybe, Darren thinks, that’s because it never really was broken to begin with. They still have a long way to go; a lot of talking and planning and working on their own individual issues, but they’re going to do it together. 

They’ll always be able to do this together, and Darren is never going to let himself forget that again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://ticklishblaine.tumblr.com/post/152223628380/makes-me-want-to-lose-myself)


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